Sometimes things sound like good ideas when really they’re ideas your slightly less evolved, less magnificent alter ego is trying to convince you are good ideas. Realistically and more often than not, the urge to get back with an ex comes from a place of dependence, turmoil and confusion. But more appropriately, a place of foolishness, absurdity and a big ole’ pile of backward-thinking nuttiness.
There are indeed one million reasons you should absolutely not get back with your ex. But this is a blog, not a book, so you get the main five. Now, take that spoon out of your Ben & Jerry’s Fish Food tub and scroll on down to those big, bold headings below:
1. WERE THEY REALLY AS COOL AS YOUR CURRENT BRAIN IS CHOCKING THEM UP TO BE?
Remember that less evolved, less magnificent alter ego we talked about? They’re the ones currently overriding the otherwise genius brain you’re used to trusting with dicey information. Why? Because you just lost the human you’ve been spending almost every day with; and that is one of the major life changes our bodies and minds will take a while to get used to. Unfortunately, “a while” can mean a month or a year.
Try to step outside this alter ego puppet master that’s trying to trick you, and think objectively about the qualities of your previously seemingly-amazing person you allowed to enter your life.
2. THINGS THAT ARE MEANT TO END DO END.
Ok, so maybe you decided they objectively have good qualities (doubt it). Well, lucky for you, if you were supposed to still be dating them, you would be. If you’re the dumper, you wouldn’t have questioned this relationship to the point of termination. And if you were the dumpee, why the hell would you want to convince someone to stay with you when they don’t want to at this time?
That is not the type of human we want to spend our lives with. Do you want to have to convince your wife to like you every morning? This isn’t “50 First Dates.” And do you really want your boyfriend to look at you for even the next day and a half post-breakup and think, “I just don’t like this person anymore – I broke up with them.”
When a relationship ends, 99.999999% of the time it’s meant to stay that way.
3. THE SIGNS YOU’RE TELLING YOURSELF ARE SIGNS ARE NOT SIGNS.
You mean you happened upon his mom in the cereal aisle of Trader Joe’s the day after you broke up? That’s gotta be a sign. Wait, you were driving in your car and you passed a street sign that has the same name as her middle name? Damn, another sign. NO. Of course you see signs everywhere that remind you of the guy that’s been sleeping in your bed for the past six months. And of course the lady you were in love with keeps popping up in your head.
We don’t typically date people we don’t enjoy being around. And when another person occupies that much of our weekly routine, the pattern of being around them and thinking about them becomes engraved in our brain. Especially when we didn’t expect to stop being around them.
Try to take these “signs” for what they truly are: thoughts, memories unfolding in our external worlds, and random occurrences that would have happened that day regardless.
4. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAD, OFF AND DISORIENTED FOR A WHILE.
I am begging you not to mistake this sadness, confusion and feeling of being lost for: “WE SHOULD GET BACK TOGETHER!!!” It would be seriously so strange to spend 70% or more of your days with someone, breakup, and then go about your days not missing them and acting as if nothing changed.
Something did change, and sometimes it seems like your entire world is left upside down. That’s completely normal. It does not mean you made the wrong decision to break up with them because you don’t feel satisfied, and it definitely does not mean the one who dumped you just never got a chance to see your sparkle so you need to convince them.
This pain, grief or odd mumble-jumble you’re feeling that seems far too complex and real to simply chock it up to “sadness” is nothing but our stupid little friend we call Heartache. Try to welcome it as a part of this current stage of your life.
5. WONDERING IF THINGS WOULD TURN OUT BETTER THE SECOND TIME AROUND SERVES YOU ZERO PURPOSE.
Unless your relationship came to an end because of one mistake made by you or your partner and you both decide it can be salvageable in time, stop thinking about how you would do things differently if you could start over.
You were your full self in that relationship and you would eventually be your full self if you started over now. If you feel like this termination is your fault because you were too aggressive or not caring enough, etc. then it’s your time to work on yourself and be better for the next one.
Even with all the questioning and wondering you’re ping-ponging back and forth in your mind, you’ve got to find that sliver of rationalization in you that will get you out of bed in the mornings and work toward moving forward, rather than stepping back into a template that’s already outrun its course.
If you need more than five reasons to convince you to not get back with your ex, watch, “He’s Just Not That Into You, “Drinking Buddies” or “500 Days of Summer” on repeat until you pull the message you’re needing out of one of those.