The room slid around us, unchained to gravity and reason. Multiple people entered, stayed a moment, only to overlap with others. All doctors, their staff, and other teams I had never even heard of regarded us with sad, heavy eyes. This was an ordinary Tuesday for them, a blip of their morning that punctuated their day. They would move on to lunch without skipping a beat. I would learn that this wasn’t a sign of the medical team’s callousness, but their belief in survival.
I remember I lost all feeling in the balls on my feet and the inside of my hips. My lips tingled and the tile floor threatened to rush up and kiss me if I moved too quickly. Being an only child, your parents come to be these pillars of your life, unchanging and constant. When you learn that one is about to die sooner than later, you become unearthed. Like a naked plant waiting to move into their new pot, you sit with roots exposed and flakes of dirt around you, remnants of your former life and surroundings.
Small cell lung cancer is one of the more aggressive diseases a person can get. It impacts both young and old, smokers and non, but there seems to be a growing population of ex-hippies and boomers finding that this is how they will meet their end. The Facebook support groups are littered with social media-loving 60-year-olds and their adult children, who are actually at this strange intersection of childhood and adulthood. They don’t have their own children just yet, some might just recently bought a house or gotten married, but most of them are unable to fathom a caretaker role this early in their lives. I remember reading dozens of posts and comments in the first 24 hours since diagnosis and noticed quickly that the adult children took their parents' treatment by the horns with a vigor that rivaled that of the actual cancer patient.
This was an easy role for me and my husband to fill. Ambitious professionals who listened to podcasts and knew how to work Excel, we met oncologists that were five to seven years older than us head-on. We quizzed them, followed up constantly, probed for their recommendations and knowledge of emerging treatments. There is a level of consumption with it: when you’re driving, doing laundry, or sitting in a boardroom, you find yourself constructing an argument for a future appointment. Can we try carboplatin again? What about etoposide? Two weeks on and then two off?
It’s shaky ground to rest your sanity on. Treatments stop working, lab counts rise and fall, and before you know it you’re disoriented and facing an entirely new treatment direction. My nails bit into my palms daily, looking for something to grasp while we all floundered, something to anchor to so I could keep the illusion of forward movement alive for my parents and family. I grabbed the barre, and the cold metal bit me back, and it did not let go.
Being thin and sinewy to start with did not give me any advantage in the world of adult ballet, nor did I expect it to. I learned quickly the only way to experience any success in this art is to lose the concept of your own body, and then introduce yourself to it again, with focus and muscles. Weeks turned into months and I could soon register the feeling of my shin pressing against air, resisting and building endurance against the invisible.
My head learned to whip around and catch my own gaze in the mirror, again and again, and again. My legs learned to fall, or rather to tombé into the next series of motions. It was all as easy as walking for my instructors but was taken as seriously as possible for the class to avoid injury and increase our likelihood for new, positive associations for these basic steps and gestures. The clip of their words in my head, relevé, plié, two jumps, two jumps, were the only instructions I needed to focus on. Bend your knees before and after each jump, feel the motion and energy needed to launch yourself into the air, if only for a moment. It feels silly, and maybe even looks it, but it is magic.
I could now hear and feel the weight of piano keystrokes, similar to how I did for years as a child in the choir. Instead of my prepubescent voice warbling along with the others, we slid our legs down the barre together or repeated a waltz combination. I always asked for another repeat, as practice was the only way to cement this new art and language into my bones. I could harness it, and fight it until I spoke it. There was also comfort in knowing that once I did tire and start to forget my right from left, I could return to it later. It waited for me each week, manageable yet mysterious, and with none of the winding, cavernous nature my personal life had.
I rest the tips of my fingers on the barre now at the new recommendation of my instructor. My arches are stronger, and the balls of my feet know how to root themselves to the ground, ready for when I place all my weight over them. Ballet forces you to live in this stoic and invisible place where total control is possible, or perhaps more possible than it is in the real world. No one scoffs when you are trying to pursue it, nor do they when you fail to grasp it. They just chirp back all the instructions you need to get through that moment: relivé, plié, two jumps.
Have you ever wondered why you don't resonate with your sun sign descriptions? Which, to me, are very generalized. I've also felt that way about specific traits that seem to stick to zodiac signs. It wasn't until I learnt about Declinations (decans) that I realized, astrology is like maths, it's technical and precise; if you know how to understand your natal chart.
Declinations are the degrees that divide each zodiac sign if you could imagine a cake cut into 12 pieces of the zodiacs as the first slice of our character, each measuring 30 degrees. The declinations are the second serving that goes one step further; reducing the same 30-degree piece into threes of 10 degrees each. The whole point of this is finding the sub rulers of your zodiac, like an extra sprinkle on-top before it's served as the unique you because not everybody likes the same things. Even though we share a zodiac slice, that slice is precisely divided.
If you're a Leo that doesn't resonate with being a Leo, this is why: We have sub-rulers.
If the Sun was within 1-10 degrees on your date of birth; it's ruled by the Sun. Decan 1 Leos are the epitome of a sun-ruled lioness; similar to the Goddess Bastet. She's pure feline, believed to be the daughter Ra (The Sun God).
Protector of the divine feminine( home, family, children) exhibiting traits of a true leader and counterpart of the divine masculine. Leo decan 1's are popular, outgoing, bright and bubbly.
Like the Sun, they're the centre of the universe shining amongst the crowd, innocently attracting everyone with her Supernova charisma. I'm a Leo myself, and the positives do outweigh the negatives, in saying that this Leo lioness can be bossy to an extent and extremely prideful; which reflects in everything they do, even the way they cook.
Whatever this Leo lady puts her mind too; she will achieve — this queen bee works hard. She may not readily admit her wrongs, even though her heart feels the depth of that error. Like a queen, she's a true leader; genuinely caring of others, putting any selfish needs aside for the betterment of an entire kingdom that poker face is just a show, beneath its sternness beats a selfless, sensitive heart that's honourably sincere.
The double presence of the Sun is strong here; she shines bright as stars do, but she's just a little bit extra sparkly. Creative and flashy you will notice her in a room if she's not dressing to impress, it's her laugh and sunny nature that will pinpoint her in the crowd. This Lioness will light up your life! in more ways than one; because who wouldn't love being loved by a woman with the vigour of two suns, beaming her vitality upon your life. She is truly a force of immense inspiration, grace, and radiance.
The second Leo decan sits between 10- 20 degrees and co-ruled by Jupiter— the ruling planet of Sagittarius. This Lioness not only possesses the same traits as the First Decan, but she's also half centaur. She's similar to Artemis in Greek mythology.
Artemis symbolized the female archer; she ruled the wilderness, animals, women and young etc. 5th house stuff (all Leos have a connection to children and the home). This woman is a wild-heart, never to be caged. So heed this warning: never aim to change her, a lioness in a cage is a sad sight to see. The Decan 2 woman is more like a Leo-Sag, and not only is she optimistic, but she's light-hearted and humorous, able to go with the flow. Not the one to be pessimistic although she may butt heads with lots of people, due to not handling her bold authenticity — she's truthful.
A true belle she charms people with her intelligence and wit. She also loves reading; it quenches her thirst for knowledge. Like most Saggitarians, she needs to expand; Leo 2's loves learning. She'd make a great teacher or healer because they're wise beyond their years, believing that everybody on earth has a super-power within them. Because Jupiter is her sub-ruler; knowledge-seeking, seeing things from a higher perspective, and being a positive light in the lives of others rings true for this type of Leo Lady.
She believes in herself, and others with raw faith; to the point that you start to wonder how? Somebody could remain so positive and hopeful enough to take risks, follow their dreams, and be crazy enough to stand out from the crowd — this lady lioness doesn't care what people think.
She free-spirited with a heart rare as gold; never rusting on people, no matter what. She endures for as long as it takes, as long as the blood's pumping through her veins; she'll fight until her very last breath for a higher cause for the less fortunate.
The Third Leo Decan is born between 20-30 degrees of Leo. Here the co-ruler is Mars. This Leo lass has a Leo-Aries vibe about her. Bold, passionate and takes no bullshit. She can be stubborn to the point you'd somewhat agree than fight with a woman that has horns made out of steel. The Egyptian goddess I chose for this type of Leo is Sekmet; sister of Bastet. They called her by many names, usually ones that mean power and authority; precisely what this woman stands for.
Being ruled by so much fire is like the Sun giving birth to a volcano, it's one fiery combination. Thick and explosive!. She can transmute her power and channel it towards her goals, best believe that when she wants something, she gets it. It's often the reason why she is an achiever, no matter what her goals are in life, she'll always reach the top of the mountain regardless of the storms.
Loyalty, Royalty and Power are the keywords for this Leo Queen. She expects undying loyalty because she is loyal and honourable. She sticks to her word as a true queen would, and expects the same treatment from everyone. Betray her, and she won't hesitate to cut you off. Fire can be as cold as ice too—boiling beneath a dormant volcano awaits patient lava.
She has sex appeal; like a sexy red velvet glove. Blame mars its influence is strong, making her similar to a Scorpio( Mars was Scorpios old ruler). This woman has something; you cannot quite put your finger on. I know what mars brings to the table, I have strong mars placements in (Scorpio and 8th house), and I'm familiar with its power that's why I named this Leo Decan The Lady Who Slays With Fire; Because She Slays!
You'll either love this woman or butts heads with her. She probably won't lose much sleep over it either. She's like a cuddly kitten, but you wouldn't know because she roars like a lioness protecting her pride. Please don't mess with her family! She will not hesitate to conjure up the entire underworld by placing a bounty for just a drop of your blood.
If your not the type of person that isn't afraid of sugar-coated truths, then this is the woman for you. She doesn't tip-toe around the elephant in the room; she stands on its tail and makes it scream! Love her or hate her, she'll never change to please anyone; she has plans, and they don't require permission from haters to achieve her dreams. I guess this is why she arouses such strong feelings because she lives her life her way, while many follow everyone else’s. Read this in-depth guide which explains what happens when you hurt a Leo woman.