2nd trimester loss

The morning of what was, or should have been 20 weeks, we welcomed and then laid to rest Promise Isaiah.

The first thing you saw sweet baby boy when you opened your eyes, was Jesus, he holds you now.

You have forever changed us and will always be a part of us, we now know a love that we had never known, we’ve been swallowed in pain, wrapped in the Spirits presence.

I loved you extra.

I dreamed about you more.

I prayed for you and sung to you abundantly.

Your daddy and sisters doted on you excessively.

I enjoyed you growing and grew with you.

I loved you harder and wasn’t sure why I felt such magical and passionate, deep love for you, but now I know, it was because my time with you was to be short.

As we learn to cling to God and each other, despite not understanding, we say with broken hearts that we trust our Heavenly Father, your Heavenly Daddy, Promise Isaiah. We have much to learn,  miles to grow-

And while it’s hard to accept for mommy, daddy and sissy’s, we say “we believe, help us overcome our unbelief.” We know you too, were created by Him and for Him. Promise, your life will live on in ways we can’t quite grasp yet.

You will never have to face the brokenness here, all you will know is perfect love, more pure than we can grasp.

We will see you on the other side of heaven buddy, enjoy your home in the Kings presence love.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, we through gutted hearts say, “blessed be your name”

. . .

Walking this road has led me to scratch, to yearn, to reach for the Father in a way we don’t talk much about in our culture. In a way that I’m not sure I know how.

Created by Him and for Him, I will scratch, yearn and crawl to the feet of the creator.

I hope someway, somehow- I will look more like Him through this, this gutted heart will rise from the ashes.

Unraveled, I will be braided back together again…just not yet and that is okay….

As time has passed, I find myself awakened and I can’t go back.

My soul has been resting as I unlearn, deconstruct and look closer at me, religion and then conditioning that owned me and life from all perspectives. Releasing my grip and opening my hands.

It’s like I’ve been in a warm, isolated and cozy bodysuit, but now, now I’m beginning to feel my wings forming, twitching as they’re awakening to movement and life as my wings form and life emerges within this bodysuit of a cocoon I’ve allowed myself to be un-become in.

Yet, with that comes a lot of big feelings and unknowns…

Where I am supposed to fly…will my wings have enough tenacity?

And will it yet again, bring me to a place of being misunderstood and people I love feeling disappointed and abandoned?

If it means me becoming fully alive verses burying and suffocating all that I am, thee expansion of what is being birthed in me- I must not hinder that but lean into this growth and wonderful, beautiful and scary new me.

All are welcome to join because life in the truest form is a continuation of evolving, discoveries and revelations.

I must confidently, proudly walk forward to the edge that is now in sight, where the timing is nearing to test, practice and examine these newly grown, colorful and exuberant wings I’ve given much of myself to grow.

And say with power “watch me fly”

Promise, I carry your life, the love and loss with pride and with sadness. You have changed and grown me, thrusting me to be reborn.

by the_undoing_quest

A wanderer that is becoming true and brave, Learning to honor myself as I relearn, hand in hand with my four daughters and quiet and steady husband of 9 years.

I value authenticity, depth and all things fun and adventurous, peoples stories and the intersectionality we find once we step into and dare to be raw with one another.

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