“He is such a good kisser, I’m going to marry this man.”
“He brought me flowers OMG, I”m in love!!!”
“We have so much in common, I mean both of our favorite colors is blue.”
It’s time I say it: We’re getting far too hyped about the person we’re dating before we’re even fully sure if we’re dating them. I’ve come across many women, men, furries, whoever, who jump at the idea of a relationship the second something seems to line up with their horoscope. Sometimes this ends in people moving in together too quickly or one person getting extremely heartsick and wanting to change their name and move to Alaska. Spoiler Alert: Favorite colors have nothing to do with who you should be dating.
Now, do I have any goddamn idea about what is a good signifier as to someone you should be dating? Absolutely not. But this isn’t an article about are you dating the right girl or how-to-tell-if-my-boyfriend’s-a-complete-nutjob. It’s just five simple actionable questions you can ask yourself to hold a magnifying glass up to the person you’ve allowed to eat breakfast with you and quite possibly see your kneecaps in the morning.
1. AM I TOTALLY SURE I WANT THE SAME THINGS AS THIS PERSON?
A lot of the time, we get deep into the pattern of ‘hanging out with someone’. We want them to like us so bad, for things to go so well, and to be able to post about them having fun with us on Instagram that we forget to check-in. We forget to see if this person even wants that upstairs room in your future home to be one giant hamster obstacle course like you’ve been dreaming about since you were eight years old. Are you wondering what the solution is to that? ASK THEM. Yes, it’s a totally normal thing to ask the person you are seeing or potentially thinking about seeing what they want out of their life. See if it aligns with what you want.
2. DO I FEEL GOOD WHEN I AM AROUND THEM 90% OF THE TIME?
Unfortunately, I’m no relationship expert and I have no idea what happens after you’ve been together with someone for 10 years and what that percentage is bound to drop to after marriage, kids and a bunch of fights in the Target electronics section. But I do know that when you first begin to date someone new, if it’s not 90% a good feeling, watcha doin? You felt like you were happier before they came into your life??? Watcha… doin?
3. DOES IT SEEM LIKE I AM ABLE TO BE MYSELF AROUND THIS PERSON?
Of course we want to put on some extra suave before a first date and not drop spaghetti sauce all over the white shirt we mentally decided was going to be the perfect-first-date-outfit four hours prior. That’s different than feeling like you need to be someone else every time you go out for ice cream just so they will like you. And it’s definitely different than spending time with someone who continuously makes you feel like you are not good enough.
4. DO I EVEN LIKE THEM?
Sometimes… we get overly excited about the fact that we are going on dates with someone and sharing stories with them, kissing them, looking into the eyes of someone who showed up to this restaurant on time just like you did because you both made a plan to do so… that we forget to ask ourselves if we think they are as interesting as we’ve made them up to be in our heads. Now, you could just keep kidding yourself, wait, and find this out two years later, but why not ask yourself objectively now and save yourself the boring or frustrating conversations?
5. WILL THIS PERSON HELP OR INHIBIT ME IN ATTAINING WHAT I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE?
Not everyone is here to save you and not everyone is here to be your mom and force you to do the things that will benefit you and your future – that’s on you. On the other hand, it is crucial that the person you’re dating is on your side. That can mean very different things to different people. It can mean motivating and inspiring you, but it can also mean just lending a spare hand, making you laugh on your bad days, or even just a bit of some good ole’ fashioned listening. It’s up to you to ask yourself if your person is giving you what you know you need out of a relationship and vice versa.
If you can answer all of these questioned openly and honestly with yourself AND you both have the same favorite color, maybe they deserve a second date.