It hurts me to see you like this.
Confused and anxious, staying with men that do not bring meaning to your life and do not contribute to making you a better person, simply because being alone is too exhausting right now.
I get it.
After getting out of a completely codependent, all-consuming relationship, it is hard to understand how to feel whole again. When you feel like the most important and most meaningful thing in your life has been ripped away, all you can possibly do is look for some semblance of quiet in your mind. Maybe that’s through work, maybe that’s through a man who makes you laugh sometimes (it can’t be that bad if I feel happy sometimes when I’m with him, right?).
It’s easy to become industrious. Working hard at something that you are passionate about. No one can argue with you about this! It’s your passion. It’s your career. You love this.
But most people don’t understand how common industrious work behavior is as a symptom of unhealed trauma. I didn’t.
I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this, and I don’t know if you want to hear it from me, our situations are not the same. No two are.
But I just want to say that I see you, I know you, and I know that this human being acting out of fear, avoiding and distracting and keeping her distance, I know that this is not bringing you the joy that you crave, the comfort that you cannot seem to find anymore. The personal fulfillment that you feel you somehow lost years ago and can’t fully understand how, why, or when.
I can’t push you to deal with the hard things, I know it will happen in its own time, when you decide to (we are truly two of the most stubborn bitches on the planet). But I do want you to know that I will not let you live in this state for much longer. Someday, I will push you to heal, to become that loving, kind, ambitious, confident person that I absolutely know is you. The person I have known since we were 4 years old.
I know it’s hard and confusing, but the most important thing that I want you to know, if you decide to dive deep into the really hard stuff, is that when you’re going through it, you will never, ever be alone. I will always be here for you. Always ready and waiting for when you decide to come back to you.
I love you.