Hi there friend,
I know we’ve talked, and I know where we are now is our best yet. However, I’ve let things go unsaid, and I let us keep secrets that are no good for either of us. I believe we can be even better, and we can be an example for those who have been to the same places.
We are a team. There is no one else who knows every single detail about me. No one else who’s been with me since day one. No one who knows your likes, dislikes and individual (read quirky) needs. This is a relationship that neither of us can run from. It’s one that has to be made to work for all of this borrowed time we are to share.
Although unrecognized, you have always done your part. You have carried me when I’m exhausted from doubles and through weeks without a day off. You’ve napped with me at all hours of the day. You’ve laid awake with me at all hours of the night. And, you’ve kept me dancing in places where no one else could hear the music.
We haven’t always worked together through these moments. Most times, I didn’t even acknowledge that you were there wanting what was best for me. I treated you as something separate from me because I didn’t accept that you deserved better. I just wanted you to change, and I blamed you when it never seemed to happen overnight. I blamed you for making me feel lonely, and I pushed you away. But, you stayed. You took it all.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not trusting/ignoring your warning signs.
I’m sorry for the garbage food I consumed when you deserved more wholesome nutrients.
I’m sorry for pushing you and expecting you to perform better while I set you up for failure.
I’m sorry for telling you through tears that you weren’t good enough.
I’m sorry for hiding you.
I’m sorry for feeding you too much.
I’m sorry for not feeding you enough.
I’m sorry for pretty much all of my senior year in high school. Or, more likely, just all of high school.
I’m sorry for all of the high blood sugars I neglected.
I’m sorry for endlessly poking you with needles.
I’m sorry for blaming you for the diagnosed and the undiagnosed illnesses that ended up making us stronger.
I’m sorry for all of the times you wanted water, and I gave you coffee.
I’m sorry for the times I didn’t protect you from the sun.
I’m sorry that I didn’t see the value in self-care sooner.
My endless gratitude for you often goes unspoken, too.
So, thank you.
Thank you for being a miracle.
Thank you for always healing.
Thank you for turning nutrients into the energy that allows me to try all the things.
Thank you for all of the senses so that I could fully enjoy all of the places I’ve been.
Thank you for dancing without hesitation whenever there is music.
Thank you for these amazingly muscular legs and exceedingly stronger arms.
Thank you for teaching me about you every day.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for carrying me through the highs and lows.
Thank you for that time we ran 3+ miles. I can’t promise we won’t ever do it again.
Thank you for making me unique.
Thank you for giving me something to fight for.
My beautiful, strong, unique body — I can’t promise that the worst is over, but I can promise to always try my best. May we have a lot more time on our side to continue growing, and may our stories be shared with those who need it most. May our relationship be our legacy even if our truth is hard to share.
I hope you continue guiding me toward what’s best, and that you continue to feel free.
With all of my love,