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Mental Health

A Night Of Insecurity; A Dance Between Shame And Empowerment

Writer’s note: This passage was written as I felt the darkest, sharpest pain of my insecurity that withered me into a physically crying ball. All these words are from the stream of my consciousness and the internal battle I had with myself and my higher conscious. I wrote these words as i sat there crying hysterically…wanting to be heard, refusing to call anyone. I left this passage as unedited as possible. I hope you enjoy and see that you are not alone in feeling this way. I love you, girl. Keep going on your path to change the world. I know that I will never stop. With all my love, Maria.

The words “memory all alone in the moonlight” play in my head as I try to understand where this low feeling is coming from.

I understand it, but I don’t want to admit my true cause of anguish, not even to myself.

The pattern is there, but again I want to ignore it. I feel the place of not belonging, all stemming from those pesky comments from a colleague that I know to be true, but being told, especially in front of others and more than likely being talked about behind my back, stabs me right in my core.

These comments have an extreme power on me. My deep insecurity rears its ugly head like a powerful sea monster making its dramatic debut from the water and fills me with dread, fear, sadness and worst of all…shame.

What I fear most is that those negative feelings will materialize into an unbearable truth: That I’m not good enough.

Deep down, I know I don’t belong…BUT, when I think about my dreams, my path, my true north, this is exactly where I need to be now. It is part of my overall training.

Training in learning the material from this perspective, the true requirements and insights that come from this role from this perspective. This perspective.

To learn the truth, you must teleport to all the perspectives belonging to separate sectors that make a unit, and how they are made fluid and cohesive. The teleportation superpower that we as women naturally possess—empathy. I know that. I remind myself constantly, yet …I can’t help but feel the pang of shame that clouds my heart.

My heart feels so wounded. As much as I scream that this is supposed to happen, I can’t help but be swallowed by my deep insecurity. I’m being pushed to my breaking point. But maybe, that’s part of my training too. My training to become more emotionally resilient.

I’m conflicted, I want to share my feelings with someone, but I am so ashamed to say what I’m insecure about. I’m ashamed to tell people my real goals and dreams. I really want to go to a therapist. I want to talk to someone about this. But the shame of it all is deep and stops me from being open.

It’s the common phenomenon that occurs when an introverted girl with mild social anxiety, who has never felt like she has belonged anywhere in her life, is also the girl who holds an audacious dream, the girl who delivers powerful speeches and can make people stop, listen and believe.

Who is also the girl that is plighted by fear and the oh-so-powerful imposter syndrome. Of course, I’m not quitting but… I feel so exposed, I feel so exposed in it all.

My beautiful and insightful introverted heart is frightened. It’s been a year and my anxiety has remained at bay, but now…in these past two weeks, they have come back with all of the fury belonging to the suppressed sea monster.

There is no quitting for me. Fuck that. I know that I’m on my way, there are things you just know, and this is one of them.

My dreams will come true and I will make them happen. That is as true as the sky is blue. I have no doubt in my mind that what I’m trying to achieve is who I truly am, and who I’ve been all along.

The many paths I have taken to avoid who I really am have gracefully spit me back out. My mind was not created for them. My mind was created to become what I know deep in my soul is…me.

And as terrified and ashamed and alone as I feel, I will NEVER stop working towards my true north, towards my calling, towards…me.

Because I love…me.

And I will rise.

And so will you.

 

 

Author: Maria Saavedra
Email: msaav25@gmail.com
Author Bio: My name is Maria and I am the founder of the Traveling Unicorn, a non-profit organization that provides cars to impoverished schools all over the world so that kids can get to school, with the goal to provide self-driving cars in the future. I am a technical writer for Luminar Technologies, a startup that provides LiDAR technology for self-driving cars.
Link to website: http://thetravelingunicorn.org

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