You know when the feeling first hits you?
After the fuzzy numbness.
The split seconds after, when it’s so big it just envelopes you.
Like it’s breathing down your neck.
Like it’s got your head in its hands in a face-off.
When you’re forced to just stand in the scorching heat.
That’s what it feels like.
When your soul feels like it’s melting into your bones into your bloodstream into your skin.
On to the floor.
You get that too-bright dizzy feeling that you only really remember from a merry-go-round.
But there’s no summer air this time.
That feeling when you brace yourself for a wave that you saw coming.
The sting the millisecond it knocks the wind out of you and chokes you with lukewarm water.
Where you can already feel the scramble in your heart for a semblance of a life vest.
For the future sea of tears you know you have coming.
Like a miniature gladiator carving his way through your chest.
It’s that audible break.
Like when you hear something shatter in the next room & you brace yourself for what you’re about to find.
Where everyday sounds turn into back-masked confusion.
Where silence sounds as loud as a 747.
When a bowling ball makes its residence right below your rib cage.
The begging at the bottom of the stairs of your soul for it to be something you can just wake up from.
But you’re more awake now than ever before.
& then there’s a slow shift.
That first breath.
You know the one.
Where your lungs finally expand and taste air.
When your tears have rewritten your DNA.
When the cloud lifts just enough.
When sandpaper emotions smooth over splintered bones.
When hope sends a cool trickle down your core, reducing the sparking coals into fading embers.
When the gray static starts to quiet.
& the jeweled tones start to appear in your mind’s eye.
Like monochromatic dreaming turned technicolor.
When you feel your heart start beating in golden white.
When the sun drips its honey light over your skin.
& then you realize:
The collision, the fire, the searing, the melting:
It made you pure gold.
Author: Lauren Crawford
Author Bio: I’m Lauren Crawford & I am a Chicago-based holistic nutritionist & wellness consultant. I believe that living well should not be a confusing path, but rather one that is inspirational , connects us to our Creator, & develops within us a clear mind & soul. I inspire & empower women who are experiencing creative blocks or uninspired seasons in their lives. I equip them with the ability to discover their intrinsic worth beginning with the healing of the mind, body & spirit in an engaging way & by getting to the root of limiting beliefs. The result is unlocking a life of authenticity, resilience, & joy. This begins to dissolve the haze of uncreativity. Through building this foundation of resilience & understanding who we were created to be, women are able to create space in their lives for a cycle of joy & creativity.
Link to social media: Instagram @_._lc._._