You were a void, a missing puzzle piece that I desired to fill with anything and anyone who could make me feel worthy. I knew who I was without you, but I now ponder as I watch my daughter grow, who would I have been with you? For years I’d felt better telling myself you were dead, not to the world, but just to me so I could cope with your absence.
Father’s Day, birthdays, Daddy/Daughter dances, all the things I hated because of you. My heart hardened to any paternal affection and bitterness crept up my soul and bloomed. I took pride in despising you, vowed my child would never know that absence. I kept my promise and yet remained unfulfilled. You tried to connect, and I ran, allowing my rage to fuel my getaway car like nitrous, but I as I grew older, I grew tired of anger. Resentment was exhausting, and once I pushed my pride away, I made my attempts to reconnect, and you welcomed me with opened arms. I love you as if you’d always been there. I’ve learned that forgiveness does not abolish the past, but better prepares you for the future. Words cannot express the freedom it feels to resurrect you in my head and my heart: living, breathing, alive to me forever.