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Poetry

An Insomniac’s Monologue

Polluted streams of thoughts

Course through my brain as I

Think about the haves and have nots

In my past— it’s the bane

Of my existence: lying awake

In a pool of regret

And paths that I’d take If the world were to let

me redo it all, compose from scratch

A life with a past onto which I couldn’t latch.

So I turn to the road

Ahead of my present

While carrying a load

Of what is unpleasant

Can I move forward? Or will I fall over?

Does better luck this time need a four leaf clover?

Laws of attraction can manifest themes-

Does that change the course by which I can chase dreams

In a way I can catch them without consequence?

Lost sense of time, lost any sense

In the sense that I no longer

Live in the moment

I glance at the future

And dread that I own it.

Searching for escapes in a scavenger hunt

Can’t undo the actions I’m forced to confront

So while slumber escapes me and sleep is not here,

I stay awake, untangling each passion, each fear.

In trembling moments of seemingly despair,

pieces unlock that never seemed to be there

About myself, my identity, my meaning, my goals-

Each sleepless night slowly fills in the holes

And the gaps of what I can’t comprehend.

The nights tell me, in the end,

I’ll never be able to have the control I seek

But control is no prerequisite to a future unbleak.

In the calm after crises, I drift into rest

Passing a wandering mind’s big test

Of finding the beauty in inexplicable surprise

And feeling the calmness with heavier eyes.

For if awakeness is a nightmare, and sleep is a dream,

Then overtake me, thoughtful stream.

Comment
by riaxm

Hi, my name is Ria! I'm an incoming junior at Barnard College of Columbia University, currently living at home in the Bay Area.

I've always enjoyed writing and aim to express feelings and inspire others through poetry. My biggest inspirations for my poems are the "a-ha" moments that I experience, the fairy lights in my room, and words that I simply think just sound good together.

Thanks for checking my writing out! For project inquiries, shoot me an email at riamavin@gmail.com. :)

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