Polluted streams of thoughts
Course through my brain as I
Think about the haves and have nots
In my past— it’s the bane
Of my existence: lying awake
In a pool of regret
And paths that I’d take If the world were to let
me redo it all, compose from scratch
A life with a past onto which I couldn’t latch.
So I turn to the road
Ahead of my present
While carrying a load
Of what is unpleasant
Can I move forward? Or will I fall over?
Does better luck this time need a four leaf clover?
Laws of attraction can manifest themes-
Does that change the course by which I can chase dreams
In a way I can catch them without consequence?
Lost sense of time, lost any sense
In the sense that I no longer
Live in the moment
I glance at the future
And dread that I own it.
Searching for escapes in a scavenger hunt
Can’t undo the actions I’m forced to confront
So while slumber escapes me and sleep is not here,
I stay awake, untangling each passion, each fear.
In trembling moments of seemingly despair,
pieces unlock that never seemed to be there
About myself, my identity, my meaning, my goals-
Each sleepless night slowly fills in the holes
And the gaps of what I can’t comprehend.
The nights tell me, in the end,
I’ll never be able to have the control I seek
But control is no prerequisite to a future unbleak.
In the calm after crises, I drift into rest
Passing a wandering mind’s big test
Of finding the beauty in inexplicable surprise
And feeling the calmness with heavier eyes.
For if awakeness is a nightmare, and sleep is a dream,
Then overtake me, thoughtful stream.