An Open Letter to the Tinder Date Who Said My Moisturizer Smelled Like Pringles

Dear Tactless,

First off, absolutely not.

I’m not sure where you picked up your flirtation style, but let the record show that most women are not interested in being compared to cheap, artificially flavored potato chips. Even if said chips are delicious, this is a failed simile. Think shall I compare thee to a summer’s day, but clever.

Second, I was overly excited that someone from Tinder wanted to meet for breakfast. This was, admittedly, my mistake. However, future endeavors into the abyss should be informed: no matter how endearing your selected date hour and location, a lack of sustained eye contact and generally uncomfortable body language is suspect.

It says, abandon hope all ye who enter here, this dude is not normal.

I would like to expand on said awkward body language by justifying why I agreed to take our slightly one-sided conversation from the cafe to the beach. Myself, a known subscriber to aforementioned neurotic tendencies, I was immediately willing to overlook the red flags, and power the conversation with tireless questions and expertly maneuvered charm.

Let the record show that flirting should come naturally, and any deficiency of chemistry that requires forced amiability should sound the alarm, and initiate plan ‘wrap this shit up.’ No surfeit of talent in the arena of wooing need surmount disinterest, whether it stem from apathy, the uninspired or both.

My bad on that one. Prone to fantasy, I was holding out some hope that you’d be a timid artist under all that nervous energy. However, you were not mysterious. You might be boring, not my type, or potentially an asshole.

Third, it is neither romantic or whimsical to surprise attack a Tinder date with a kiss as she turns to face you after taking in the wide expanse of sea. Yes, sitting on the beach with a Tinder date has a cinematic quality. No, this quality does not entitle you to Hollywood-esque behavior.  

Do not be surprised when she recoils in fear. Despite the genuine interest in your childhood in Cuba or your experiences as an expat in Spain, her presence is not an indication that she is ready or willing to initiate a physical connection. Surprise kisses are aggressive. You are aggressive.

Fourth, playing Hotel California on your date’s guitar is not doing you any favors. Yes, I am a snob, but come on. Hotel California?

Get real,

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