*Content Warning: This piece contains a reference to suicide, which may be triggering to some.*
Never will I forget, in my memory this still shines bright. I was feeling lost at a routine party and about to call it a night. My best friend stopped me and asked if I wanted to light. Back of my head said, “no,” but I couldn’t lose her smile from my sight. Little did she know with that one question she saved my life.
See, that whole day I’d been planning my departure. That afternoon, I spent time silently thanking those who tried to make my life a little less darker; sat in the presence of those who tried to break through my heart of armour. Tried to voice the love I felt towards them, but it only made it harder, to hold back the tears that built up like boats on a harbor.
The sun fell, letting the full moon light up the sky. I became a different person as the hours passed by. A bean, a bong and a bottle in desperate attempt to get high. No substance could ever entirely cover the pain, but it was still worth a try. As the time came closer, the thought of proceeding made my mouth dry.
I took a few minutes alone to observe each of my surroundings. All the people I was leaving, next to my desire to start belonging. All my God-given gifts with their potential left outstanding. All the debts to my name that I’d have to leave for accounting. Life was about to change completely, but I didn’t feel like announcing.
It’s a scene in my head that I’d probably pictured one hundred thousand times. Now with each step closer, my thoughts rang loudly like wind chimes. Pedal touches the floor as I reminisce about past times. Eyes watch the needle on the speedometer continue to climb the white tick lines. Surpassing the legal speed limit will be the least severe of my crimes.
Ten minutes out of town past the store that sells wholesale tea. Standing tall and proud off the road is the chosen oak tree. Sometimes I would daydream and wonder if it’d still stand as proud after it engulfed me. More and more often I’d daydream and it was the place I found I most wanted to be. My Honda destroyed, crushed like an empty Coke can, major organs failing as my breath is finally set free.
Headed for the door to write the last chapter of my saga. A group who’ll pretend that they loved me offers me my last shot of vodka. I can’t even taste the burn through my breath of stale marijuana. Fresh outdoor air flows through me like the voices at an opera. I realize I should’ve said bye to mom and dad, but at this point I don’t wanna.
“Leaving so soon?” Yeah, I’m headed home. It hurt to lie that bad to someone I consider more family than friend. “Come with us, we’re headed to try a new recreational Colorado blend.” I figure it shouldn’t take too long, so I decide I’ll attend. After all, the way I’ve been planning, this will be our last weekend. She smiles, grabs my hand and bounces to the car as I watch my life extend.
Afterwards we catch a ride out of there, giggling with eyes red. It takes everything in me to concentrate on the steps ahead. I don’t know who was talking or what was happening to the brain cells in my head. Every limb on my body was feeling as heavy as lead. Six the next morning, it takes me a minute to realize my heart is beating, I’m alive and not dead.
I may not be standing, had circumstances changed. At first I felt as if the night prior had left me shortchanged. Then I realized that thought in my head was nothing short of deranged. That mindset and way of life needed to be exchanged. Because the Universe is always persistent on the way lives are arranged.
Even though it’s not enough and it’s pointless; to those people I still want to say thank you. You all spent those hours like the rest, the night didn’t contain anything new. You forced me to smile and live, for a few moments I forgot about the blue. Someone or something put you in my path, the timing was right on cue. Thank you for saving me for the night, for changing so many things for years to come. It’s crazy to think you never even had a clue.
