My life is changing in a major way for the eighth time, yes I’ve kept count maybe it’s part of my OCD but that’s a different subject. The change began in July about three weeks before my 32nd birthday. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me sounds cliche life changes brought on by a break up but bear with me it gets a little more interesting. We broke up with three months to go before our lease ended. Learning to find a new dynamic with someone and living with them at the same time is hard. Throw in now having to find a place to rent and worrying about deposits, first months rent and your current bills it’s enough to make you want to scream or cry. I’m pretty sure I did both at one point. I know life is all about changes, nothing lasts forever all that philosophical life lesson stuff. It still sucks, especially when you don’t choose the change but you have to roll with it anyway. All of a sudden you’re faced with dealing with your shattered emotions and being an adult. When all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die inside it’s a lot. So how did I cope? How am I sitting here writing this without frying my computer with my tears? Well follow me down the rabbit hole of harsh truths and self discovery.
Coping wasn’t easy, there was a full week of high tension and me being the biggest pain in the butt possible. Don’t know how she dealt with it. After a week things calmed down not to say we still didn’t have our moments. It’s not easy looking at the person who a month ago was your girlfriend and having to remind yourself you’re just friends/roommates now. I know it wasn’t easy for her either. We found that new dynamic between us I suppose because when all was said and done we wanted each other in our lives. Fast forward to us both having to make some life decisions. I had to find a roommate, Nashville is way too expensive unless you make a triple digit salary, and she had to find a place to stay for four months until her move. Tack on full time jobs, financial struggles and a short time frame it’s a recipe for stress. There were times I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to find a place because I use public transit to get to work I was restricted to certain areas and those areas where the most expensive parts of town. Of course I found something and to say the least I lucked out. It’s a house in a quiet neighborhood within walking distance of public transit and it comes with two sweet dogs.
With two major things taken off my list my brain let me relax for all of about two days before it started making me consider long term things. Great right? Hey you’re chilling feeling good about things, but what about all of this? Gee thanks brain here I was thinking I had everything under control. I didn’t at least not in the long term sense. I’m a planner and a thinker that’s how I’ve always been it’s hard to shut off that part of myself. I knew I didn’t want to stay in Nashville, but I didn’t really have the option of throwing a dart at a map and peace out. At least not right now, so I needed some kind of plan or at least some options. My first thought was to save as much money as I could by getting side jobs at events this city has a lot of them. I still want to do that but I also want to leave this state with a chance to do something I love. I looked at my options and decided to take courses at a local university. It’s only a A.A. in English but I know a reputable college that offers a Bachelors in English completely online. My peak goal is to get an internship at a publishing house anywhere in the U.S. After that I don’t know, maybe that’s when I’ll throw a dart at a map and go wherever. Right now I’m figuring out a lot about myself and where I want my life to go. There’s only me and nothing holding me back. I don’t plan on looking for love anytime soon I’ve got too much to accomplish.
My whole life I’ve lived for others, what they needed and what I could do to make them happy. Even when I didn’t get the same in return. I’m not trying to throw a pity party it was all my own doing. I’ve had people in my life who wanted that and I gave it to them willing thinking if I made them happy any way I could they would stay. Even if it was something I knew I didn’t want for me or for my life. Maybe that’s why I managed to adjust to this, all I’ve known is change in myself and in my life for others never really focusing on how it affected me because I was so worried about them. Sad isn’t it, getting so wrapped you make your own self miserable without even realizing it. Not to say I was ever miserable with her, if anything she was the first person who I ever felt loved and genuinely cared about me. I still feel she does. I never once made myself miserable to make her happy, she would not have wanted that my happiness was just as important to her as hers was to me. I will be forever grateful for that. Even if we lose touch which terrifies me honestly, I know that it was time I do not regret and I am a better person for it.
Life happens in the most unexpected ways and sometimes it turns your world upside down. It’s not to say that something good won’t come out it. I know I have a weakness when it comes to trying to make the person I’m with happy and I know I can get caught up in that. When I feel like they are slipping away from me I can start to feel lost and panic. My mind will wander a million avenues all making me feel worse. Then I’ll overreact causing nothing to become something. It’s not an easy thing to overcome people tell you to just get over it this person isn’t like them but when something has been the same way for so long it becomes apart of you. And that was mine, I can be too much. My harsh truths come in the form of having to learn that there is a line. Don’t make too much of something before you know what it truly is. In this new chapter I am not only changing where I’m living and looking at an undetermined future I’m also working on changing things that I have been conditioned to do my whole life.
These changes come in many forms, life, emotional, mental, even spiritual. Some are easy and others are hard as hell. It’ll feel like your world is ripped from under you and your heart is laying in pieces where you stand. Doesn’t mean you have to let it crush you. Learn to fly and glue those pieces back together. You will learn and you will grow. One chapter ending isn’t the end of your story. Turn to the next page, pick up a pen, it might be a slow start but you can write anything you want, you just need the courage to make the first mark.