It never made sense to me why I would continuously date assholes.
I found myself single at 33 looking back on a not so healthy romantic relationship history wondering WTF. I’m fucking smart but like date very dumb. Why is that and how can I not do this anymore.
I found “The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations For Codependents” by Melody Beattie in the garbage area of my building. I read it within 2 days. It felt like she was in my brain. Codependency is a THING?! Fuck. I googled it. I read the patterns and characteristics of codependency. Mystery fucking solved. I am codependent and there’s a meeting for it.
It took me 4 years to show up at my first codependence anonymous meeting. I have never felt such relief. I cried the entire time. It was like finding out your diagnosis after living with a disease your entire life. Everything made sense and I was not alone.
For me codependency looked like:
- thinking my love would be the reason someone would change.
- staying because I could fix someone.
- accepting sex when I wanted love.
- not perceiving myself as a lovable person.
- falling in love before I had any real information about someone.
- putting myself aside to gain the love and approval of someone else.
And the list goes on. and on. and on.
Recovery has changed my life. It is the thing I am most proud of. I am happily still in recovery. It is the reason I have fallen madly in love with myself and because I have learned how to love myself I will never let anyone not love me again.
For more information:
I have also found solace in SLAA, to me it was like codependency’s cousin.