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Relationships

Codependency is a thing.

It never made sense to me why I would continuously date assholes. 

I found myself single at 33 looking back on a not so healthy romantic relationship history wondering WTF. I’m fucking smart but like date very dumb. Why is that and how can I not do this anymore.

I found “The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations For Codependents” by Melody Beattie in the garbage area of my building. I read it within 2 days. It felt like she was in my brain. Codependency is a THING?! Fuck. I googled it. I read the patterns and characteristics of codependency. Mystery fucking solved. I am codependent and there’s a meeting for it.

It took me 4 years to show up at my first codependence anonymous meeting. I have never felt such relief. I cried the entire time. It was like finding out your diagnosis after living with a disease your entire life. Everything made sense and I was not alone.

For me codependency looked like:

  • thinking my love would be the reason someone would change.
  • staying because I could fix someone.
  • accepting sex when I wanted love.
  • not perceiving myself as a lovable person.
  • falling in love before I had any real information about someone.
  • putting myself aside to gain the love and approval of someone else.

And the list goes on. and on. and on.

Recovery has changed my life. It is the thing I am most proud of. I am happily still in recovery. It is the reason I have fallen madly in love with myself and because I have learned how to love myself I will never let anyone not love me again.

For more information:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/newcomers/

https://melodybeattie.com/books/language-letting-go-hazelden-meditation-series/

p.s.

I have also found solace in SLAA, to me it was like codependency’s cousin.

https://slaafws.org/download/core-files/Characteristics-of-Sex-Love-Addiction.pdf

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by missbell

recovering codependent / love addict

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