Coming out to myself and the liberation that followed

I was never treated in a way that felt right. I thought that admiration meant eyeing me at the party and making moves to text me to link up later, privately. I thought devotion was texting me back in less than five hours. I thought that taking my clothes off the first date meant that he really liked me. 

This past year was a great one for my love life, in that I put it on pause. 

But before that, in 2019, I fell for this 5’8 Asian raver-boy named Elijah, one of the most basic San Jose boy prototypes. 

We’ve met many times before, but in the summer of 2019, we ended up going with the same group to the Audiotistic music festival at Shoreline Amphitheater.

I wore this cute royal blue two-piece kimono set and had on glitter fishnets, red sunnies, and my trusty pair of hightop Converse. He wore some jersey and a pair of khaki shorts I think? Who cares. 

We danced together for the majority of the show and kissed Illenium and it felt so true and blissful that we ended up being inseparable for the rest of the night. 

He was the first guy to ever ask me out properly on a first date and really do it well if I must add. We shot hoops at Dave and Busters, watched Toy Story 4 at the theater right next to it, and then we kissed each other goodnight– also not too horribly either. 

It was a moment where I felt like I was actually being respected and heard, and just appreciated for being me.

The weeks followed were flirty texts, a Snapchat streak and you know the rest of the giddy, teenager activities I was starting to indulge in. 

But here’s the catch, we were both apart of Greek Life at our college. Oh boy, I know.

So at the beginning of every Fall semester, there is a huge party to welcome the new Greek members to the community. Everyone throws on some fabric and rope, call it a ‘toga’ and binge-drink till everyone’s grindin’ upon each other. 

I know, what a beautiful welcome. Freshman sorority girls get welcomed to the ‘life’ with sexual harassment and cheap booze. It’s every thirsty girl’s dream! 

Anyways, you could say after toga, Elijah wasn’t ready to get committed to just one girl and ghosted me for four weeks after I even let him crash at my place that night. 

I felt defeated. Like I could not hold a man down to save my life. That it was my fault that I am an emotional woman and feel the way I feel about someone I “should know better than to waste my time on.” 

It’s difficult. I spent last 21 years relationship-less. I had never felt connected to anyone enough to allow them in my life like that. No one has proved worthy of that for me. 

College was a lot of trial and error with men that honestly when I look back, should not have been an investment of time.

I became desperate for a romantic flame anywhere. With anyone.

And when I invested time in someone I thought had potential only to get turned away again? Sheesh. I was tired. 

I shunned any romantic nonsense after that for a good amount of time while I focused on myself and chose not to obsess over the ‘idea’ of love. Let’s close that sector of my life until it gets stimulated again. 

I hustled, I worked out like crazy to show him what he was missing. I looked so good, but yet I still felt like I had more to work out and more to prove. 

But I had a revelation a couple of months later and into 2020, that I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone. Especially people who didn’t have any significance in my life, because it was a waste of time. 

I was thriving in a lot of aspects of my life afterward; joining the editorial staff of my newspaper, making steps toward securing an internship, and working at Apple making more than I have since I started working, I felt good.

The glow really starts from within and works its way out. You really have to believe in yourself before you start seeing physical results, It all a mind game we’re in, so play with it.

I felt confident and cool in the early months of 2020 (before everything became engulfed in flames, quite literally), which then allowed me to begin manifesting goals for myself and in new pursuits. 

She caught my eye immediately. Met her in a library briefly, and a year or so down the road, we started hanging out and being in the same spheres a lot. 

We got pretty close as friends and hung out all throughout the early months of quarantine with our other two friends, Tiff and Scar.

She complimented differently. 

Maya (my old roommate): “Isla, you have a face that you could paint, like your features are so defined and pretty.”

Isla: “I think Alyson does, actually.”

“You’re the smartest person I know,” she told me one casual night when all of us were hanging out. 

I had a really big crush and I knew it. But it was something that actually enjoyed having. 

She was kind, polite, and really chill. Someone who allowed me to express my feelings and actually feel heard. 

We began dating towards the end of August that year, after a good amount of mimosas and some risky intention. 

She is the one that makes me realize how I was maltreated I was with boys before. Sex no longer mattered, it was the deep, emotional connection that I had with this woman. Woman. 

I had never doubted that I was attracted to women. But I never really saw anything romantic with one because I grew up in a very, and I mean very, heterosexual household. Gays, you know what I mean. 

Basically, this beautiful woman was the person who made me realize that my sexuality was dimensional. 

I remember the night. 

In early February 2020, I agreed to go out with my roommate and best friend, Maya, who was going with her sorority sisters to a club who all got a table and a bottle. That included this beautiful woman. 

Throughout the night, she was guarding her sisters against creepy dudes and being the most gentle and respectful soul to her loved ones and that protectiveness of her attracted me, wholeheartedly.

It clicked that night and the following months just made me develop the fattest crush on her.

Have I ever felt this way towards a woman? No. Was it weird for me? No. Did it liberate me? Yes.

It felt so good to admit to myself that I was bisexual, because it made me feel like I finally allowed myself to welcome admiration and love from anyone, and it was freeing.

We’re so into each other right now that we actually stand seeing each other almost every day. The only day spent apart this week so far, was Thursday. Today is Friday.

She is my peace and I’m so lucky to know her and be with her and have her enjoy my presence as well. I am so grateful for the Universe bringing this person into my life. She makes me feel like there is still hope in humanity out there and she encompasses it all. 

This is the most beautiful fruition I have come to know and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with her soul.

If you like this article, check out: https://www.harnessmagazine.com/thinking-of-honey/

by Alyson Chuyang

Hello! My name is Alyson and I'm a Bay Area native and recent journalism graduate from San Jose State University. My specialty is feature writing and reporting, but I've had experience with news, arts and entertainment, sports and opinion writing on SJSU's newspaper, The Spartan Daily. Ever since I was young I loved to read and write, and as an introverted kid, I always found that I expressed myself better in writing than out loud. I hope you enjoy my writing as I utilize it as a therapeutic mechanism as well as a creative outlet to share with others!


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