My own relationship got me thinking a lot lately. You know that feeling of almost capturing the ultimate truth, the meaning of life, and the endless desire to just contemplate on it a little harder.
Predictably, I neither understood the meaning of life nor achieved enlightenment; but recently, I became able to word what was on my mind for the last couple of months.
Sometimes you need to be alone to get better.
Everything starts and ends with ourselves. Our relationships only reflect the inside of our heads. I don’t just mean romantic relationships, by the way, they just happen to be the most intense ones.
So, if you are unhappy in a relationship, it is always due to unrealistic expectations. Either you expect the other person to be perfect and refuse to see the downsides (idealization), then the iceberg of reality hits the heart-shaped love boat and the devaluation never fails to sneak in or you expect the person to solve your emotional problems for you – for some time they might buy into this manipulation – but at one point they will get tired of the responsibility for all of your emotions.
Here’s a reality check. No one is perfect. You either accept the person as they are, with all the flaws, insecurities and weird habits, or you leave them and go looking for a new one.
No one is able to save you except for yourself. My best advice would be to solve most of your issues before dragging another person (most likely with their own baggage) into your sad necessities. A healthy relationship requires two grown-ups who are fully responsible for their own needs.
The thing that was always the hardest for me to accept was that you can either be right or happy. I am a fighter by nature, I argue as if it’s my job and I always stand up for my personal space (physical and emotional). I am one of those least conditioned for relationships people. But having found something worth fighting for, I am ready to at least try and change, grow up, and make it work. And here’s something that I had to learn the hard way and find worth sharing.
If you are annoyed by someone, know there’s always a lesson for you to learn there. Instead of trying to change the other person, look at yourself. Why is this exact behavior annoying to you? What does it trigger? Try to see the factual actions instead of your emotional interpretations of them. The other person’s motives are usually not directed to harm you, so it’s your job to not take offence.
Don’t judge the situation. Get rid of the terms “right” and “wrong”. There’s no place for them in your new enlightened vocabulary. Instead, try to learn as much from the situation as possible. You have a unique chance to better yourself and to learn a new skill. Seize the opportunity!
If the person on the other side of the conflict thinks they’re always right, it’s their loss. Don’t try to prove your point at all costs. Listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to agree or disagree, just listen. It can benefit you in all the unexpected ways. Accusations can give you hints on what you still have to improve in yourself. Arguments can give you a different perspective on a question or a problem.
And, as a result, the new, enlightened you will only gain wisdom, grow as a person, become more serene. It can be difficult at first, but as with every habit, you just have to start and commit, and the new you will eventually take over and lead you to a happier life and a healthier relationship.
Author: Anna Fitzgerald
Author Bio: Anna is a chemist, a model, a life-lover, vegan, yogi, and an aspiring youtuber, passionate about art, music, self-expression, kindness, positive thinking and the Law of Attraction. She overcame BPD, depression and PTSD and is excited to spread the message of self-love, positivity and grattitude.
Link to social media or website: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkeW3L0YoPOXt5zOCDxoinA