What to do if you are never satisfied with yourself and what you do.
You think that giving up is an option? I tried, believe me. I was not satisfied with it either.
I was at my five-to-nine day job, next to the copy machine working constantly because tomorrow was a deadline for everything. I felt the heat of the machine and even an open window could not hold the hot air around me.
It was my fourth job I had changed in five years. I thought I would go crazy.
Since the moment I graduated from school, the constant seeker in me had woken up. I picked up my first job in children’s library and attended classes at University. That was my life. It might have been very satisfying, but it was not. When half of a year past I started questioning what I am going to do next, what my next steps are supposed to be. I had no idea that it was possible to just settle. You know. Just accept what you have and be completely satisfied with it. Just work. Just life.
There was a feeling that I had missed my stop on the train and now it is already too late to jump off. And even if you do take off, what’s next? Should you wait for another train or maybe you have to change the road to flying by planes?
Since nobody knows the answer, the only one way to sort things out is to take the responsibility of the outcome in your hands. And I’m not saying that if you suddenly decide to be a billionaire you have to do this no matter what. You have to understand why you wanted to be a billionaire in the first place, and then you will have a plan for your actions.
Being a constant seeker is a blessing as much as a trap. From the one hand, you are constantly looking for opportunities, for ways to improve your present being, for alternatives and so on. On the other hand, these things could make you feel unbalanced and unsatisfied with your life.
I have an example from my own experience, which was not that pleasant because I was looking for something else while having some stable things in my life. I was in charge of a school library, partly as my project for the University and partly to pay at least some rent and support myself somehow. The salary was not that amazing, if not to say that it was inadequate, but I was working “for experience,” as I thought in the first place. At the same time, I was perfecting my English, because I had enough time to do so.
On one of the online lessons, an English teacher asked me what kind of career goals I had and what I did for my life. I answered bluntly enough that I was working in a library because it was convenient for my studies. When he asked me what I was going to do when my studies were finished, I was clueless. I said that maybe I stay for a while working in here or find another job related to publishing, writing or libraries. Then he asked the question, which at some point, made me wake up. He asked whether it is a good idea to work in a library today and what career perspective I may have in here. I answered that, well, there is no perspective at all. You just come in here and work until your retirement.
“Why do you work in here then? Why do you do this at all?”
Really, why? I stopped knowing what to say. I was caught in the trap, because I thought I may work here for a while, looking for something else, but this “working for a while” did not give me anything, apart from my free time, which I was wisely spending on English.
This is where I realized that I could not just wander around looking for something and doing something. Postponing living as I do something else on the side. It started feeling that my life, the whole purpose of it was put off, while I was doing something else, “just to go by for a while.” Following the stream is cool, but it will drag you somewhere you would not want to. But being a seeker in your very core, you may do not even notice that things went in a direction you did not want them to go.
And you know why? Because you did not know this direction in the first place. You just started, saying that you will sort things out later. But you did not. You had just been caught up in present events going around. Eventually, all your seeking desires end up in a snowball which is heavy to carry around and impossible to move. And when the Sun comes, everything you have will melt.
If you are a wanderer, if you feel that no matter where you go or what you do you always feel unsatisfied with the result, you, or people around you, it’s because you are just roaming, not looking for something. It is easy to confuse. You can just get up in the morning and start going around your apartment and picking up some clothes you see and put it on (that’s what wandering means) or you can go directly to the wardrobe and pick the clothes you need for today (that’s what seeking means).
So if you consider postponing your life because you want to wander for a while, you sure can do so. But it is so easy to do not even notice that you have gone too far and now it’s time to face what you have. Nothing will help you with this disappointment. If you are, like me, a seeker, I want to give you a few tips to start questioning your life today, because the earlier you gain control over your actions the better. We like letting things go; sometimes they turn out nicely, but sometimes they become even worse. I am not saying that you will be able to prevent a catastrophe or un-do something that had been done already. But thinking of where you go will arm you with a tool which is useful to have in this life. This tool is simple – it is your consciousness.
- Sum up everything you do right now. I know it may sound crazy because you do so many things at the same time and so many of them are not finished or constantly “in progress”, but, please, do so. What do you do today? Studies? What kind of studies? Work? What sort of work? Volunteering? Internship? Some career? Side-job? Just stop for a moment and sum up all the activities you do. You need this to understand where your life is going right now.
- When you determined all the things, it is time to prioritize them. Do not be lazy and do not say that all of them are important at once. I will not believe you. There are some important things you need to do first, the rest may wait. They have been waiting for a while, nothing will happen to them today as well. Your illusion that you do things because you have them in mind is so wrong. So, what is important right now? What is your life about if you pick one or two things that are important right now?
- This point is for you, my beautiful pal who said eventually “But I do not have anything important in my life, then”. Good. It is nice that you realized it today, not ten years after everything went badly. I know, that happens and happens often to us, seekers, to people who look for something that they think is important, get engaged in so many activities and eventually end up doing everything except the important stuff. Since now you have this “hole” in your life, it is time to fill it in with something important.
- Choose only one thing that may be important for you right now. What do you want? What is your ultimate goal? Do you want to write songs? Do you want to take care of kids? Do you want to cook and blog about it? Do you want to dance, write a book, draw comics, or have a gallery? You probably do want something. Choose it, and be honest with yourself. Nobody is looking and nobody is judging since you are acknowledging it only with yourself. Get to know yourself. Yes, you already know what you are a seeker. Now you have to direct this seeker correctly.
- Come up with five short-term goals and change them every two weeks. If you have not achieved a goal you set for yourself in two weeks, ask yourself, whether this goal was write and maybe there is something more behind this? Maybe, when you said that you want to have a gallery, you just wanted to promote some of your drawings. Maybe you did not want to have a huge success; you just wanted something simple to be satisfied with people acknowledging your talent? Maybe you did not want to write a book, maybe you just want to have a blog, which will be your creative outlet and a bunch of readers admiring you? Be honest! This is you talking to yourself and your life. Nothing is perfect or right, that is fine. You are allowed to want what you want.
- Again, be honest. It is not going to be easy. There is only one thing that for us, seekers, is easy. It is wandering and going with a stream. Even though sometimes it has a purpose and sometimes it is okay to just follow the road, it is very important to know where to stop doing so. This first sign of not being in the right place is when you feel unsatisfied. With everything you do. And when simple suggestions like “Just relax, take it easy and enjoy the life” start annoying you, this is where the alarm should ring a bell.
I hope that these few tips will help you to at least start questioning the lifestyle you have and the life you live right now. It is so easy to put it on the back burner when you are seeking for something else, but nobody will live your life for you. And as you know, we have the only chance to do so. Today.
Author: Lily Noova
Author Email: email@example.com
Author Bio: My name is Lily, I’m a writer, illustrator, blogger and seeker for a purpose and better life. I’ve been doing it since I remember myself and recently I realized that other people may have the same field as I do – seeking for meaning – that’s why I started my blog and that’s why I share my thoughts in here. I see the life as wonderful journey through time and every person going along with this life can contribute something to make it worth living.
Link to social media or website: http://www.lilynoova.wordpress.com