I thought it’s about time I introduce myself to you. Contrary to what your voice tells me, I am loved. I am worth it. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am capable. I am worthy. I’m telling myself right now I am not choosing to listen to your lies. You always try to steal my smile. You always try to quiet my laugh. You are stronger than me at times though I fight so hard to get out of bed. I fight so hard to talk to my friends and tell them, “I’m having a bad day.”
You see, they know about you now. Sometimes I hear them tell each other, “I think it’s happening again,” and now that they know, I’m not alone anymore. I can finally eat again. I can find the strength within myself to open the blinds and let the sun in. I can find the strength within myself to say, “My tears are beautiful.”
So, sorry Depression, you can’t keep controlling me, because, every time you try to, I’m going to fight back twice as hard. You see, that’s what I love about you. You’ve made me a fighter. You’ve made me a warrior. I care twice as much as everyone else and that’s beautiful because there are so many people who need to know they are loved. All the ‘bad days’ have opened my eyes to see the incredible beauty of the world around me and to appreciate the people who love me when you get me down.
So, go ahead and try, but I’m not listening to you anymore. I do have a purpose. It doesn’t matter how many times you want to whisper into my ear, “You’re worthless!” “You’re a mistake!” “You should die!” “Go kill yourself!” All you are is a liar and a thief. You’ve stolen memories I could have had with my friends. You’ve stolen my joy. But, at least you’ve kept my company. At least you’ve helped me see I can live with you. I. Can. Live. You’ve failed at making me believe my time on this earth is over.
In fact, I believe now more than ever that my journey has just begun. I have climbed mountains with your weight holding me down. But, now I am here to tell you, I’m putting you in Someone else’s hands. Jesus. Oh, how I love that Name. He has power over you. He’s stronger than you. And every ounce of strength I have is from Him. In fact, you’re a gift from Him too. The tears you’ve given me on endless nights are my way of connecting with Him. For He was a Man who knew every type of sorrow and hurt. He was despised and rejected.
But today, He is on the other side of that. And until He brings me to the other side of the ocean you are calling me to swim through, I will thank Him, praise Him, and cry to Him. My tears will tell Him I long for peace. I long to be with Him and His Father and I’m sorry for not knowing all this sooner. You see, He catches every tear. Not even those are vain.
So, though I hate you, and, at times you hold me down until I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, you are also a gift. A gift I know I am strong enough to bare. And that’s the difference now about me, I finally care about myself. I am not going to let you destroy me.
Esther Marie Gonzales