As a child, you make decisions very quickly, without thinking, spontaneously, without worrying about the consequences. You jump, although you know about the fall. You get up, though you have just stripped your knees. And yet, you jump again, because it is promising and gives you happiness. You laugh, though they says it’s dangerous. You live here and now. Without judgment, without reflection, without fear, and the only pain you know, is the one after your knees are broken. Today this pain is gone. Today you wake up realizing the absolute rules of this world. A reality that provides another dose of disappointment.
You look in the mirror and see someone else, with a grimace of pain painted on the face, longing in the eyes and uncertainly smiling lips. Your heart isn’t that beautiful, your soul isn’t innocent, and your face isn’t unblemished. You would like to remove some moments, clear a few words from memory.
However, you know that your memory isn’t like camera memory, where from one click you can delete moments saved in the photo. Your memory is something more, something permanent and infinite. You can’t press delete, although sometimes we really want to do. And after a few years it turns out that you see much more, understand much more, and then appreciate every moment of your life. You grow up, although you want to still be a child.
And I would like to be a child again, or maybe have this childish joy and laughter, the courage to jump and not wonder what will happen next. I would like to have childish authenticity.
I don’t know if you know, but children are real, children don’t pretend, they don’t live in the past or the future. Children laugh until they get hiccups, find joy even in the smallest things, don’t judge your mistakes – they do not even see your mistakes. They trust indefinitely, they love indisputably. Children live here and now, without yesterday and without tomorrow. I want to live here and now, without thinking what will happen tomorrow, without contemplation what happened yesterday, without analyzing each decision. I want to be free from fear, depression and uncertainty.
Dear Self, let me be a child again.