“How can you go more deeply into the quiet of yourself?”
How can I go more deeply into the quiet of myself? I feel as though my whole life I have been in the quiet of myself. I was a shy child, always hiding behind my mother’s leg, never racing to raise my hand or stand in front of the class. When I hit puberty, being seen by others was excruciating, so I invested all my energy in making myself small and hid in the quiet of myself. This quiet was my comfort zone, my safe place, where no one could see the real me, just my silence. Who was Nicole, and what did she have to say? No one and nothing, just silence. No one could have a dialogue with my voice, and no one could judge me.
It seemed easier, but the pain from hiding grew to be even more excruciating, and amount of energy I put into being small made me weary. I resented my quiet. In college, after a few breakdowns and lots of therapy, I rejected the quiet of myself and began a fight to claw my way out of it. I finally started to use my voice. It was shaky, for sure, and dusty from lack of use, but I slowly started letting it be heard. I slowly started allowing myself to be seen. Who was this Nicole, and what did she have to say? I wasn’t sure. I had to become reacquainted with myself.
I had a vision of who this self should be. I didn’t want my quiet at all anymore, so I pushed myself and hurt myself when I wasn’t outgoing, loud, and the opposite of my quiet. I soon realized, however, the fight was a damaging one. The quiet was a part of me, so I was waging a battle with myself. I had to lower my weapons and assess my wounds. I had to work to see myself for who I was, accept myself, and love myself. Then I could finally, truly be seen by others. Quiet and all.
So, how can I go more deeply into my quiet? I have been in it my whole life. But, I realized, I only used it as a hiding place. I had never listened inside it. I had never leaned into it. I’ve only just begun to accept it as part of me. If I listen, what can my quiet tell me? When I am truly quiet, I am more observant, and I am amazed by what I see and hear. I can see universal truths and the connection that runs through the world, through us all. I can hear my connection to this oneness, my true voice. Moving forward, I can continue to embrace the quiet, listen to it, and dive into this deep, uncharted ocean. In this quiet, I can finally find myself.