I wasn’t always able to recognize mania. There was a time I didn’t even know I was bipolar. But looking back I can see how strange my moods could be.
I still experience hypomania at times. Like right now. It often inspires me to write. But majority of the time my medications keep true, deep mania at bay. I’m grateful for that. I never want to revisit those times of tempestuousness.
Even in hypomania, the thoughts move so quickly I can only partially grasp them. It sometimes even seems physical, like I can feel the blood pulsing through my veins and the tension in my bones. Is it possible to visualize your heart beat in your wrist?
I don’t know what taking speed is like or anything about it frankly, but I imagine mania might be similar. At least the name “speed” makes it seem like it. Everything feels heightened and fast paced. The world is rushing by you. There’s no time to just sit there. You’re a ticking time bomb.
Sometimes the mania is filled with agitation. Everything makes you fume with anger. When the person next to you breaths the wrong way, you might explode. It doesn’t make sense but those days are your red flag days. Don’t get into any situations that might set you off. You’ll regret it.
Other times, the mania feels like extreme obsession and anxiety. You get stuck on thoughts. Repeating imaginary scenarios over and over in your head. Everything makes you nervous. Overthinking is key. You can’t feel happy, let alone content. Living in the present and enjoying your circumstances does not exist. You might be on vacation in a foreign country, on a sunny beach with the people you love, a perfect place for bliss. But it’s still not right. It’s uncomfortable. You must just go, go, go.
And some days, it feels like extreme spontaneity. You might jump off that cliff. Or run away. Maybe spend all the money in your bank account. You could sleep with that guy that you really know you shouldn’t. It’s hard not to say that snide comment to your superior. You’re making a lot of decisions and none of them are smart. You’re not really sure of the motive behind your actions. All you know is nothing has consequences. You’ll eventually be smacked in the face by the fact that’s not true. Your life and people in it will soon ache with collateral damage.
And on those sweet, sweet occasions, you can turn the mania into good. You can redirect it to inspire creativity. You can stay up all night drawing that portrait you never knew you had the skills to draw. You could write a lengthy excerpt of your life and post it on Facebook and hope someone will read it and maybe understand you. You will organize your apartment until not a single shred of cat hair can be found. And one day hopefully you will see that this is why you should be grateful for your disease, or at least that’s what people tell you. I still struggle to find truth in that.
Maybe manic depressive disorder means I get to create and think more than others. It could mean I get to experience thoughts and let my mind go places that others cannot reach. Maybe it means my productivity levels can sky rocket above the average person. Maybe feeling so many things in so many different ways gives me artistic abilities that others cannot obtain. Just maybe it will mean I’ll achieve great things.
Maybe.
Maybe one day I’ll believe that. I think I might be closer to believing it now that mania and depression control my life less (thanks to medications and therapy). I know in moments of chaos or heart wrenching sadness, I completely disagree. But right now, in this very moment, the mania feels good because I’m telling my story. And I think my story is a struggle worth sharing.
