Five years I felt the pain of sorrow
And now I feel like it’s repeating itself.
The strings of my heart are being tugged
Even now I am hiding it from human’s eyes.
I had shut the world out.
Being a timid and emotionless person was easy to be.
I was safe.
I kept people safe from my uncontrollable emotions
Now I still hide in that shell.
Afraid of what people would say if I told them the truth
Would they careless?
Or just laugh at me?
Pity me?
I’m just a hidden shell of insecurities and trust issues.
From losing a loved one. To losing a close friend who was almost like a sister.
Now knowing a childhood friend is gone away
And will be only seen them until I am in the grave.
I am afraid. I will never open up again. Afraid I will be my old self.
Being that awkward teen who only hang out with her older brothers’ friends.
Confused who to talk to.
I am a lost soul.
You look at me online and see me as outgoing.
But in reality, it’s all lies.
You would think I would cry over the sorrow I experienced
But I hid it under my skin
Until the sadness became nightmares and hallucinations
I think something wrong with me.
Why do I cry when I laugh?
And not when I am sad.
Is something wrong with me?
I probably should see someone for this.
But even again, they will probably put me on meds
And I can’t have that again.
I have seizures when I was a child.
And barely survived the daily medicine I had to take.
It was not bad.
But to have a repeated past
would honestly break me.
Seeking God is my top priority
Praying and reading the Bible is my only comfort now.
I pray and dream of the day I will be outgoing for only a moment.
But that seems so far away.
Now I must wait for the plans He has for me.
