Anxiety and depression often seem to go hand in hand. It can happen to anyone yet you’re still left feeling like you’re the only one who suffers from it. It’s lonely and confusing, not to mention scary.
You find yourself questioning every second of your life. You’re suddenly very aware of your heartbeat and the items or people around you. Heat takes over your body but there’s a chance you’re shaking, making others think you’re cold. Sometimes you can sit there with friends around you all the while your head is screaming at you and your limbs to leave. Sometimes you’re doing absolutely nothing and you get overwhelmed with this feeling that you still can’t fully describe. It’s everything from fear to being uncomfortable in your own body. The worst part is that it never goes away. You always feel it inside you. The desperation you have only makes it worse.
Your body doesn’t listen to your brain and your brain doesn’t listen to your body. You think things that you know aren’t true but it messes you up anyway. You’re lonely because you’d rather not say a word or see anyone rather than explain to them that you have these problems. It’s anxiety manifested into fear and depression stopping you from doing anything about it. Your brain and body are fighting each other and they’ve tried to kill your soul in the process. A sweet and caring demeanor is now wrapped up into something that you can’t unravel. You’re trapped. If you were never a good liar, you’ve mastered it now.
You can tell people, “I’m fine,” when you want to stop existing and they’d never know. You can put on that sweet grin that everyone expects and make them smile and laugh, too. But when you go home, you don’t feel like anyone. You’re not you and you try to convince yourself that you’re not your disorder. You’re just a being. You’re breathing because your body does it for you. Everything else is so easily forgotten that it doesn’t make sense. You even forget what hurts sometimes but then it comes crashing down and you’re reminded that you are you. That sick, gut-punch feeling that knocks the air out of you comes along and it feels like it will never end. A part of you thinks about the next time it happens, making the attack last even longer. It makes you question everything you know and believe in. Isn’t that crazy? Anxiety can make you question your God, and depression can sometimes make you question what it would be like to meet him.
You’re left between a rock and a hard place. You’re left with all those questions and no one to answer them. You must find ways to cope, find out what you need so you can get through it. There’s always going to be hard days for you, and those days will make you feel guilty even when you’re reassured you have nothing to be guilty for. The important thing that all of us with a mental illness forget, is to have hope. Even if the goals we set feel unreachable, we had enough hope at one point to make them.
You feel shame and pain but it shouldn’t bar you from seeking help or finding someone to talk to. Yes, getting to that step is easier said than done and your patience might wear a little too thin. Take time for yourself and try not to hold onto things that are no longer yours. Surround yourself with as many positive things you can, find out what works for you.
Keep those words in your head and figure out what each one means to you. There is no right or wrong answer, there’s only what you feel and that’s ok.