I was lost. A child born in the summer, now living as an adult stuck in a perpetual state of winter. My fire was out. I had not one drop of desire to continue living. Depression had sucked the energy and happiness from me, anxiety sat heavy on my chest with its claws of tension clasped tightly around my throat, my body and head screamed in pain; I did not want this to be my life. I was tired, defeated and clinging on for the sake of the people who love me. My final straw was not being able to go to work and do what I loved. Migraines were becoming more frequent and debilitating, and my anxiety could not take one more conversation with my boss about why I could not come in when my head felt like it had an axe buried in it, and even the faint glow of my cellphone had me crawling to the toilet. I felt worthless and useless.
By the grace of the Divine, I had already started delving into a spiritual practice when I hit rock bottom. Though I had a solid community of family and friends for support, I had to face my demons on my own, with Divine guidance. But it was their love that gave me the spark of strength and motivation to rise after my descent to rock bottom. If I couldn’t live for myself, I would spare my loved ones the pain of losing me in that way. I know grief all too well, and it is a wound that never heals. No one should have to continue on, wondering if they could have done something, anything more, to have saved you. And just know, if you have felt that life-altering loss, there was nothing more you could have done. Your love was always enough.
Spirituality showed me my connection to everything. My heart grew 10 times when I realized that there is nothing in this Universe that is not a part of me. It is part of my family—all of it, even me. I had always felt as if my connection to my body had been severed. I felt like I lived my life floating above myself, awkward and unsure of who I was and the power I held. My connection was never severed, I had simply learned as a coping mechanism to go outside of my body and had not recognized it. The ability to come back down to earth was there all along.
Nature showed me the way to ground myself and returned to me joy and a burning passion for life. Again, I was lucky to have began my gardening journey before I hit rock bottom, but I had lacked the passion to see it for what it was: an education in how to create a quality life. When we watch the world around us, we see how intentional every cog in the wheel of the Universe is. Each being has certain things it needs to survive; they have purpose and a reason for existing. They instinctively know what to do to survive and everything they need is provided. There are cycles and a balance that is kept naturally through the existence of the beings involved. This is something we as humans have gotten further and further away from. When I witnessed it, my faith in the Divine was solidified. How could something so full of purpose be anything but intentionally handcrafted? I started seeing the world through a new lens of awareness that had me in awe and curious to discover more. It gave me a drop of desire to find out my place in the wheel; it quenched my thirst for a purpose.
So, I dedicated myself to that which gifted me this new sight: nature. I followed my intuition outside and looked around at the space in my backyard, altered by the hands of humans, not quite sure who it truly was. Bound and yearning to burst forth as its true self. I could relate. The land and I worked together to strip ourselves of the influences of man, all the way down to our dirt—our hidden place of darkness we had always been afraid of showing. We feared we would discover that what lived there was ugly, unnatural and unworthy; what we found was soft, warm and full of life. Underneath it all, we were eager to be improved, we thirsted for nutrients and knowledge of what we needed to grow. We accepted seeds with excitement, gave them a home, and nurtured them into fruition. Our gardens grew with abundance and beauty as they were tended to with water, good food and plenty of sunlight. There were obstacles—insects and diseases that had to be dealt with—but also new friends and opportunities to share in our harvest. And before I knew it, we were no longer existing to survive; my yard and I began to thrive.
Still, we are not safe from unexpected storms or the stripped-down vulnerability of the dark, cold winter months, but now we know how to care for ourselves in these difficult times. To indulge in extra nourishment, bundle ourselves up with warmth and allow time to rest, reflect and recharge. Looking within myself brought me to my connection with the outside world. I walked that line and discovered the intentionally handcrafted wheel of the Universe and all the wonder that goes into something so incredibly beautiful and fascinating. Every piece of the puzzle has a purpose and is needed, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. On your journey, look towards what comes naturally, what brings joy, what fills you up and overflows onto those around you. Follow that path to your purpose.
Author: Casey Downs
Author Bio: Casey Downs is a witchy woman from New England with an eclectic set of skills and interests. An entrepreneur, gardener, herbalist, writer, cosmetologist, tarot reader and philosopher, she spends most of her time out in nature. She handcrafts all-natural, plant-based bath and body products and other goodies that can be found at www.rosies-apothecary.com and is currently working on her first book.
Link to social media or website: Instagram @a_mindful_intuitive