It’s been almost three years since my little person was called to heaven. Her birthday is coming up and she would have been two years old. I think of her often and wonder if I’m making her proud. Sometimes while grieving, you feel as if you’ve come so far until life surprises you with the unexpected. I found out last month that my daughter is going to be a big sister. This came as a complete surprise for sure. Of course I’m happy for her father and wish him nothing but the best in life. I just didn’t know that it would bring up feelings that I have buried from long ago.
You see, I’ve grieved my daughter and I know where she is for sure. I realized that I didn’t grieve the fact that the ideal family pictured in my head was not going to happen. In some relationships, you’re better off as friends than companions. This is true for my daughter’s father and myself. We are friends and remain friends until it’s time to release. We share a little one that was made out of complete love, even though we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. At times, you get so blinded by your desires that you don’t see the truth right in front of you. And that truth was him and I were not going to last. We were both a temporary assignments that tried to remain permanent. I was so broken by my divorce and childhood traumas that I couldn’t be the best version of myself for anyone let alone him. However, you have to move on in the lesson and not live in regret.
Each day gets easier and I’m beyond grateful for that. I’m proud of myself that I didn’t listen to other people. That I allowed myself to fully feel every emotion and get as much out as I needed out. Now it’s time to complete the process and continue my journey in this world. I don’t know what God has next for me. All I can say is thank you for the healing because that’s making room for the promises he has in store.