I can hear it. The crying, the sadness, the despair and hurt. She has been here a long time, but finally I found her. I see her in the distance.
“Hello. Found you J”
She’s scared now. She did not think I would look here.
“I can’t do that.”
Yes you can, just walk away damnit! Just go! Please! Leave me alone!
“You can’t stay here. Let’s go.”
NO! I’m staying damnit! This is all I know now, all I’m meant to have.
She wipes away her tears with the back of her sleeve. I could go, I know I can. But if I leave she’ll never come back. It has to be now. I’ve left her for far too long; I was too scared to come and find her. She fled fast when it happened. One minute she was beside us and the next—gone, vanished into thin air.
Talking down to her like this will not get us anywhere.
I sit beside her. “Why do you want to stay?”
Cause I deserve this type of life. I failed. I couldn’t fix it and it broke, so now all I deserve is the dark.
She begins to sob again, full body heaving crying. Why did I wait so long? After I discovered her fall, even though I was still recovering from my own, still I tried to help her. I tried to bring her back, but it was no good. I knew this was the only way to repair, so I left her alone.
But I won’t walk away today.
I wrap my arms around her. “Fall apart.”
“You need to break. Break all of it. You can’t stay here. Here is now over. It is time to shatter what this was, what you once were. So take all you feel and break this blackness that has imbedded. Smash it with everything you have.”
But… then what?
“Rebuild. Make it new. Make it bright and colorful.”
Will… you will stay right? You will help me won’t you?
“Of course. I’ve always been here, you need only call me.”
As she stands her body trembles and she stumbles slightly. I catch her arm.
“I’ve got you, I won’t let you fall.”
Isn’t that why I’m here to begin with? You left me alone. You left me to fall.
“You ran away. Then refused my hand before when I reached out remember?”
Yeah, I know. But I called.
“It wasn’t time. We all just needed time.”
Do you forgive me?
“There is nothing to forgive.”
Ah there you are!
We are embraced into a massive bear hug.
You had me worried! You’ve been gone so long I started to worry you weren’t coming back!
She smiles wide and it’s a genuine smile. One she has been wearing more. She was always the serious one out of us three. I’m glad she has learned to relax and enjoy life more, be less serious. Her fall wasn’t as bad. There’s a couple of bruises but she made it out, and has grown so much compared to those early days.
We’re both here for you. I know you and I don’t always agree but I’m willing to try harder. If you are.
I’ve missed you both so much! I’m sorry this all happened like this. Maybe we can fix it. Slowly. Piece by piece. Together.
“Ready to break it all down?”
HA! Like you even have to ask! Let’s do this!
And so we three begin the breaking. We smash, claw, pound, punch, kick! We destroy it all! It took a long time. We rested here and there, but in the end—it was done.
Behind the dark we found the light. Behind the black there was a color palette like no other. Forest and rivers. Wildlife and sky. Big puffy white clouds and soft green grass. Flowers for as far as the eye could see.
“This should do nicely.”
Do you feel that sun? It’s so warm and bright. And it has the perfect type of silence. Amazing.
I hope the moon is full tonight. It’ll make the river look even more beautiful.
We stand and admire our work. We’ve all fought so hard for this, have earned it tenfold. But it was worth the wait. The tears. The struggle. The anger. All the pain that came with it. It all led to this moment; the three of us finally coming together and working as one.
“Well time to get to keep going.”
But where do we go? We’ve never been here before.
What if we get lost?
I smile and take their hands. “It’s ok, we don’t need maps, or directions. This belongs to us, we made it ourselves. We know the way.”
And so we begin.
This story is how, after my dad passed away, I fell apart from the inside. No one saw any of the pain, not really anyway. My head ran the ship. My heart stopped. My soul left. Each had to be separated from the other. Each needed time to heal after the pain that was caused. Each needed to be torn apart and put back together. It took me two years to finally find myself, and I’ve never regretted it. When a life event such as this happens I knew the only way to really come back was to break myself apart brick by brick. My head was not too bad considering what I had to do, but in the end it was good to keep things moving. So I coasted through that first year, and I went soul searching. I discovered old and new passions, found reasons to smile again. Found yoga for a safe place to land and let go of all the hurt I carried there. With time it finally came back and I embraced the freedom bestowed upon me. My heart was not easy to convince. It held on to so much pain and hate. It took another year to really break apart all the dark that encased it. The only way was to let the soul lead it home. And once each piece had its time, they could come together stronger than ever. This is still only the start of my journey back, many more miles to go. But I have gained my freedom. I will not waste it. It’s time to continue on. It’s time to go my own way. And I couldn’t be more excited for it!
Author: Kassie Yacyshyn