Oh, there’s that bothersome underlying belief that I am not enough again . . .
Where does that belief come from?
It comes from realizing as a small child that you would never be enough to fill the holes of the people around you. This belief does not just creep in and come from dysfunctional homes. It comes from all homes because guess what? We are all raised by human beings and humans are a messy species.
We learn from a very young age of what we need to do to fit in and find belonging in our homes, communities, and the world at large.
Mine took on the qualities of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and silence. I was the quiet child who made sure everyone around her was happy and felt seen, heard, and understood. Then I was the star runner, dancer, and student. That is how I found my belonging. That is the way that I learned to operate in the world.
When my depression hit, my system could no longer play the roles that I had been cast to play.
I had to embrace my imperfections, feel my feelings, set boundaries, and speak up for my needs. I let go of the roles I had been cast to play to try to fill up the holes of the people around me.
In that process my true self began to emerge and I am still learning who that person is and will continue to learn who that person is throughout this lifetime.
What she’s discovered is that I will never be enough to fill up the holes of those I wanted to save the most but by becoming whole and saving myself I help to save them. It was never my job to save them. It was always my job to save myself and find wholeness within my own being.
I now sit with myself and feel deeply at peace and I hear my mind creep in with those all too familiar thoughts of, “you aren’t enough.”
This time I yell back, “no, stop, I’m done hearing that nonsense. I am enough.” I am messy and raw and vulnerable and deep and I have heart and integrity and sometimes I feel like I may be a little too much for this world but this is who I am and I am learning to love her and tell her she is enough everyday. I am releasing the belief that I need to be perfect to be loved and just embrace this imperfect human being that I am who is committed to growth and becoming the best version of myself for the rest of my days.
Author: Alison Binns
Author Bio: Alison Binns is a seeker, writer, speaker, and healer. She is on a journey of unraveling in order to connect to and live from her true essence everyday.
Link to social media or website: Instagram @alisonbinns01