2019 was supposed to be my year of pouring back into self and taking the power over my own life back into my hands due to allowing myself to spiral off into self-destructive and harmful behaviors and patterns. I set up my first appointment with my therapist around April and went consistently, every week, until July. I don’t know what happened at the time or what triggered me during my last session, but I literally stopped going. Again.
I don’t know about you, but my relationship with therapy and with myself is complicated, to say the least. I can be thriving in my healing journey one minute, and sinking into a dark place the next. I slip into dark spaces due to my inability to stay committed to things that create and shape wholeness and peace. Self-sabotage gets the best of me. Once I start telling myself that I’m not deserving of being healed and at peace with myself, I go off into a tangent of old habits that contribute to my depression and anxiety. Negative self-talk is a thing and its something I do to myself all the time. These are all solid reasons for me to be in therapy, right? You would think.
Throughout previous experiences, I have had good and bad days. I had days when I was able to be open and honest about what I had experienced stemming from childhood all the way to adulthood. Then, I had days when I did not feel like I was fully capable of being the expert of my own life. What I do tend to forget is how vital it is to acknowledge and reward myself for the progress I make on good and bad days. I forget that healing is not linear or uniform. It does not look the same for everyone. Being healed is not an overnight process either.
Knowing this, I think I am finally in a good space, free of distraction, to begin going to therapy. If you are like me and you have no ties to anyone (husband, wife, or children), now is the best time to go. The beauty of therapy is the accountability that blossoms as a result of a healthy therapeutic alliance. I want to talk to someone who can relate to me in some way. Most importantly, I want to feel validated and heard. Building rapport is apart of the therapeutic process. That eventually turns into a strengthened professional relationship that was built from someone devoting time to listening to me share pieces of my journey. I also like coming into the office not knowing the person in front of me. There is no space for biased opinions, approaches or treatment plans. It is strictly me unpacking familiar and unfamiliar layers of who I am while someone else actively engages and honors me for sharing.
I like to think of therapy as ministry. Just like in any ministry, I know I will be challenged and called to do something outside of my comfort zone. On another hand, just like any ministry, therapy is set up to foster growth, inner healing, expansion, good health and wellness. The therapist and I have to be yoked just like my passion in ministry, my spiritual gifts and my calling have to be. Therapy is a process and it’s an experience.
That is why I have chosen to get serious about going back and staying committed this time. I could go on and on about what exactly has gone wrong in my life that led me to the decision to recommit myself, but what is most important is my willingness to fulfill and meet a need for myself in this moment. I have been feeling nudged for months to go back to therapy, and the perfect time is now. If you are like me and avoidance is crippling to you, write down some goals and visions you have for yourself regarding what you want your soul and inner beauty to look like. Write down what has gotten you stuck in a place of worry, resistance and hurt. Write down what changes you would like to begin making now in order to foster a good relationship with yourself and start initiating a safe space for you to do some inner work that will result in a better and healthier you. Let go of the futuristic mindset that tells you, ‘one day I will be…’ because present moments, initiative and experiences is what sets the tone for what you will be in the future. You and I can hope and plan all we want, but none of us can simply be healed years from now without doing the work it takes to be healed.
If you are ready, go back to therapy, sis. Your future you is counting on you to start growing into the highest version of yourself. You were also not called to stay trapped in unhealthy and vicious cycles of self-destruction and spiritual and emotional self-harm either. This unhealthy state you are in is not what the highest version of you consists of. Start affirming what is already true and said about you and know that you are not alone in the process.
Here are some super helpful resources I have used to find the right therapist for me:
*If you create an Open Path Collective account, you will have access to sliding scales some therapists provide on the site provide to clients who may not have health insurance or have private health insurance.