I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!
(Can you even handle your truth?)
Sound familiar? It was more than familiar to me. It had crept into my thoughts many times in the seven years prior and popped up on numerous occasions later.
I was just a month shy of my 21st birthday. I should have been thirsty and eager to show the world who I was, but I was so far from it I may as well have been in another dimension all together.
Some days were so dark that my heart and head both hurt so much; it was suffocating. I just wanted to f***ing run, from life and myself. I felt dispensable and like every corner held some kind of pain. I had no self worth or hope for a future free of hurt. I didn’t think I would ever have the strength to be the mother my two beautiful children truly deserved. I honestly believed everyone was better off without me and that most wouldn’t notice me gone.
Some days were beautiful, but then something would flash into my head and my train of thought would wander.
I still remember making the decision to end my life.
For so long, my head blocked out what came next, and I had no memory of it. Recently, while I was journaling, it came to me, and the memory flowed.
It hurt. It hurt so goddamn much. My heart was bleeding, my chest on the verge of explosion. Salty water running from sight to taste.
I couldn’t speak. My head ached. I lost the ability to breathe without thinking about it.Yet I wanted to run. I wanted to run so f***ing far, so fast the thud of my feet on the concrete pained my legs. So fast the wind in my face took over the breath I was struggling to take. I just didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t want to feel the sting in my skin, the ache in my face, the train wreck of my heart and the hurricane in my head.
I just didn’t want to feel anymore. I wanted to be numb. I was incapable of thinking straight. Through years of blocking, confusion and painful moments I lost the ability to make rational decisions.
The night came so slowly.
I cleaned my house.
I said goodbye to the ocean.
I started drinking.
I gave way to the pain.
And then I blacked out.
I had overdosed, but even that part is still a blank to me.
Next, I remember the paramedic and police around me, I’m confused about what’s going on, not knowing what I’d done, how they got in my house or what they were saying.
And then blank.
Then I’m in hospital. My mum is beside me broken. But I’m only partly there. Watching from the outside, knowing I f***ed up but confused, empty and unable to cry.
Some things are still a blank nine years later, but those moments I can remember leading up to it bring fresh tears to my eyes, even as I’m putting into writing for you right now.
Usually I would block this.
I would hide something like this in shame, embarrassment, at risk of being seen as weak. I blocked it for years, unable to talk about it but I’m learning to own myself and to give others permission to own themselves and their journey.
I’m grateful for this memory.
I’m so f***ing grateful.
Because it means I survived.
It means it is JUST a memory.
It is NOT my reality anymore.
It took me a few years, but I worked through it again, and then on a smaller scale again.
The fact it has surfaced to me recently in detail means I’m owning it; it doesn’t scare me anymore.
I became stronger.
I am strong.
I have learned to stop accepting and start creating.
I am still learning not to block.
My life is different, it’s better. The darkness creeps up at times, but as a whole it is gone.
When I look at my life now compared to then and the huge challenges I faced, I reflect and submit with complete gratitude at how beautiful and full my life really is compared to that darkness that once overpowered me. I have so much to be proud of, grateful for and to love about my life.
It took a lot of personal development to find myself again, and after years of being totally closed off and hiding from being seen authentically, recently I began to really learn to be okay with who I am.
Slowly but surely, I started to realize that I was dancing with the demons in my head, and if I didn’t get that under control I would never find my own happiness again. I would never love myself and therefore never be able to open myself completely to the people who had been so devoting, patient, unjudgemental and loving to me.
Your only and ultimate responsibility is self-alignment. And when you’ve got that, everything takes care of itself.
Babe, you are going to get there too. This pain will pass. You are going to be okay and the darkness will fade. I promise.
Hang in there. One day you will look back at this time in your life and acknowledge the growth that came from it.
I’m sorry if this triggers you, but the stigma needs to end. We’ve lost too many beautiful people who didn’t feel they could talk about their darkness, who didn’t feel like there was enough love to override their pain, who didn’t have enough self-love to know their worth.
I’m telling you now you ARE f***ing worthy. You are magic. You have light. You are strength. You have a reason to be here. You need to love yourself. You are loved. You are valued. You are fucking amazing and I believe in you.
I believe in us.
Author: Heather Rusden
Author Bio: I am a Tasmanian mom living in Melbourne, coaching women to be the best, have the best and own their truth. 29 years old. Writer, motivation and mindset coach.
Link to social media or website: https://www.facebook.com/heatherlrusden/