The hardest part is witnessing someone turning their back on you. We try to recover and make up the pieces that are falling. We try to give them another chance. We try so much to glue the last pieces that have been burned. Once they leave, we feel this huge heaviness on ourselves. A heaviness of failure, guilt, self hate, hate towards them, betrayal, etc. There is nothing to explain anymore. “Our love was simply over” was a sentence I always wrote in my mind… He left that day with one text and I had to leave him on read. I forced myself into a cold shower and cried on the shower floor. I cried and cried until my chest started hurting. I was forcing fake smiles and living life miserable when I was travelling the world with my family. The big bulk of emptiness wished he was next to me as I saw these amazing adventures. I had nothing to explain to him. He simply didn’t want me in his life. Was it my fault? I just didn’t want to fall in love.. I didn’t want my heart broken again… Now I think about it and think he was probably out with his friends drinking while I was crying… Should I ask the Tarot cards again if he coming? Or simply his head space towards me? Will the tarotcards give me the answer “he knew he fucked up, regretted it, and wants to come back again”.. But, the cards said the opposite. I was going to see him and there was going to be a fight.
I saw him several weeks coincidentally. I counted all of my twenty days on the beach sunbathing and reuniting with family members after five years. The day I saw him again, he simply just ignored me and went off with his toxic friends on an adventure without me. I sat on the bench with my cousin. She looked at me as if I was an idiot and said “he’s an asshole”. He was… I hated him for making me look stupid. For making my love look idiotic and without value. I hated him for not valuing me I deserved. I was dumbfounded. For the first time in my entire life, I felt stupid for loving someone else. They always say “it’s never wrong to love someone”… Isn’t love a chemical feeling?
I left on a plane a couple days later, still living the love I had for him. I cried as the plane lifted itself on the air and reached into the clouds. Life was closing a chapter I didn’t want to go. However, life made me witness losses and other happier moments. I eventually left him go after losing an animal friend. I simply thought “life has drifted us apart. If he comes back one day, we will work things out. He’ll apologize to me and regret it. Maybe we would hug again! Maybe we would give me his hand and give the overall commitment! But it’s over…. I still would snoop around his pictures and push away my feelings for him. I made amazing memories covering my sadness left him. I joined my passion for writing poetry on social media and fought for my dreams..
I guess there was no hope left in me. How could there be? We were living an ocean and several countries apart. It seemed something impossible? How could I allow him again if he came? As always the tingles and anxiety never left. The mind always builds and exagguartes sitatuions. The mind wants to be its own game. The mind tries to destract us from reality. We build fantasies and wishes that never existed. We build walls in order to live in our own way of life and wish it was a lifestyle. The last memory of him was him being drunk and asking for everyone’s birthdays. When he came to me he dehumized me by calling me “you” rather than my name… that word stung for a while. “You” something you call a person you are angry at. Was he angry at me? Was he angry at himself? Was he even drunk because of the fact I was infront of him? Or was he angry that he knew he fucked up?
I finally saw him again at the same exact place he said he called me “you”. Exactly eleven months after he left me with one text. The vacation site rememberinced in only him. The odd thing was the memories werent becoming flashbacks. I instead was writing over the same pages and forgetting what it once was. He came on a one sunny day without even knowing. I recieved a text from a close friend “he’s back. He was extremely scared to see me. Had no courage to come fowards and give me an explanation. He stood from afar and watched me fake smiles. I was anxiety filled and scared on the inside. What was left to explain? What was left to go on from? Hours passed where he stood with his male friends and I sat on the other side of the park with my girl friends.
He everntually came fowards that night after having drinks with his friends. He came with his freshly combed hair, jean jacket, and ripped jeans. The ordinary fuckboy.. He blasted foul music filled with explicit sexual content. He sat with his legs spread wide taking most of the benchs space. “How are you guys?” he sneered. How are you? That’s what you say? With all the time I have been dreaming of reuniting with him, I see him when he was the most cockiest and low selfesteemed self? This is what I was waiting for? I could not accept this. I could have not loved someone that become more of a dick. I sat in silenece the whole time. There was nothing to say…
He tried to speak over me when someone asked me a question, as if he really knew me. He asked me if he could drop me off. He watched me as I tried to stay away from him. He flirted with me as if there was another chance. There was nothing to say… The saddest part of all was the fact that I thought and knew what a man he was. He was just a boy that could have gotten himself together if he tried. He was not a danger before. I trusted him that year. I was falling for him but knew something was off. I expected more of him because I know people can be better. Every action he did was one knife stab of an expectation dying. Everytime he tried to fix something he was killing me more. He was continuing to fuck something up. Could have I blamed him if he didn’t know much about me?
“I’m sorry” he stated. I looked up at him with a blank facial expression. You know what you did? Do you know what you left me with? I took a sigh and stated “it’s fine. I forgot about it”. Was this something we could forget about? Eleven months of blocking each other and living on life. Eleven months of him having one night stands and not having one thought of me. Eleven months of me just hoping one text from him and fighting my hidden love I had. There was a huge silence between us two. “Would you give me another chance?” he asked with curiousity. I looked at him with shock. Are you seriously asking me this? The heart was filled with joy, jumping up and down from excitement. It was a kid again! The only thing was screaming “take him! Take him!” I was stuck between mind and heart. On the other hand, the mind said “who is he to ask again? What kind of ballz did he have at this moment?”. I was stuck between two twins fighting over a toy. I looked down at my hands fisted in stress. I knew what my answer was. I simply just stated “no. I’m reall looking for a serios relationship”. He gave a slight smurk and tried to wipe it off his face. He took a deep sigh and stared into my eyes. His hazel eyes… “You will never find someone as good as me”.