I Woke Up

I’ve been stuck in a nightmare for as long as I can remember

every time someone told me they couldn’t do it anymore I fell back into the same place

it’s like I could feel their words touching me, like hands on my throat and in control of my breath

allowing me to stay alive, allowing enough oxygen to my brain for it to function but not enough for me to fully breathe

and when I went there I couldn’t help but think of the smell of iron because I knew I needed to need it

after a while I got passed all of that. I found a way to catch my breath and take my mind elsewhere

and I thought that that was progress because there was no mess and that was just my process, but then I went back

I know I think someone was to blame, and I think I know sometimes it was me, but that sometimes it was them

neither was good because both ended with me hating myself and no solution

cut because it hurts it hurts because you can’t cut don’t cut because cutting is bad cutting is bad because you should love yourself but you don’t love yourself so cut

I didn’t want to be in that place but I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t take their hands off my throat that I was holding there. I couldn’t stop wanting it because I wanted it. when did I change?

like I said I could feel their words touching me

the f*cked up part is that as much as that hurt when they stopped talking I missed the feeling because it was the only contact i could truly know and feel

what’s wrong with me and why can’t i fix it? I’m not sure how to answer

I think I know what’s up with me but I don’t know how wrong it is and that’s what needs fixing

but I woke up today

I decided not to go back there

I decided to let go of their hands from their words on my throat

I decided to fight the urge to fight myself

I decided the blame didn’t matter

I decided I wasn’t going back there

and I woke up

I woke up



Author: Jade Smith
Email: thejade3@gmail.com
Author Bio: 22 and finding my way
Link to social media or website: http://thejade3.wordpress.com



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