It´s almost a year yet, but also only a year since I moved to a new city. In fact, it feels like home, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like this, because a home can end. My time there is almost over. Then it´s not my home anymore and in my mind, it´s already not my home anymore but only a quick stop on my way. My inner clock isn´t synchronized with my home or my former homes, it´s a kind of feeling like jet lag. I am thinking about the word home and trying to understand where my Home is. Then I realize for me home is a feeling, not to somebody else but a feeling to me and in myself. Every time I feel sad I have to leave another home, I understand more that I am my home and I will always have it. It´s hard sometimes but I don’t have to forget it, hard because sometimes I don’t know myself. On this way, I lost parts of myself and some of them never come back. I don’t know where along the way I lost them. Change is everywhere, even in my heart. So my inner home doesn’t feel like home anymore at times. I especially feel strange and alone because I change everything in my life so often, but my people, my friends are all settling down like they don’t even know how to spell change any more. But maybe they have their own kind of change and I have mine, so I can´t settle down now. No matter what expectations the world, society or my people bring up to me and against my way of life, I will not settle down. Shame about me or my decisions is something people put on me and not something that is in me by itself. My world has to change often because that is who I am, who I want to be. I am in my own time zone. Most time I am happy with it, but too often I get jet lag and try to break out. Regardless of the time zone I am in, I will continue to change like the moon, in cycles; leave parts of me behind, but go back to my roots every time I need. Don´t just get lost in change or only react to the change and simply live by it but to initiate it, invent my choices and my life. But sadly I feel offended too often by others and myself. While this feeling gets to my mind I want to hide in the dark from others and hide in myself, feeling like a shadow, being a shadow without corners and edges, diffuse so no one can reach me, safe but alone. Time is changing and time is changing me, but now I am stuck in my jet lag feeling and not synchronized to my life, so I have to change.
Is it a crime to just not settle down and instead change a lot?
If you liked this piece, be sure to check out Why Being Alone Might Be Good For You