I can’t stop listening to “I HATE EVERYBODY” by Halsey. She sings,
If I could make you love me, maybe you could make me love me.”
Then it hit me, is this how I feel myself? Is this why I listen to this song on repeat? Has our society taught us women that the only way we could possibly love ourselves is if we have a man who loves us. Does this finally makes us worthy of feeling loved?
I am guilty of being in love with love. This could be because I am a Libra and Venus is my ruling planet, or that I grew up watching romantic movies like “The Notebook” that depicted love as this intoxicating, all or nothing fairy tale?
I have been consumed since Elementary school with finding a boy to love me and make me feel good about myself. I am 26 years old and the first thing I ask a guy is, “when’s your birthday.” I have to make sure our signs are compatible or there is no way he will ever become the love of my life.
Every guy I date, I try to make him the “one.” I have become so caught up with wanting to feel loved by a man that I have sacrificed my beliefs and values to cater to him. How do I make him love me? How do I make him want to be with me? Why do I need a man to make me feel worthy and loved?
“Am I a hypocrite?” I ask myself. I encourage my female students to be strong and not let boys dictate their lives but here I am, still on Bumble feeling shitty about myself because a guy didn’t reply to my message or unmatched me. I want to teach our young women to give no fucks about people who make them feel shitty but here I am letting random dudes on the internet make me feel shitty.
I’m trying to not be a hypocrite, but it is so hard to unlearn years of trying to find your soulmate in every guy you meet. I am taking time to do things that make me happy. I am putting myself first and not making myself small to cater to the male ego. Because I deserve to be happy and feel loved without needing a man’s approval. I don’t have to apologize for anything. I just have to apologize to myself for allowing this to go on for so long. It is about damn time to practice what I preach.
