It isn’t easy.
Sometimes you might not even feel okay.
Sometimes the distance to the coffee machine in the morning can seem overwhelming.
Not to mention the distance to bedtime.
And sometimes it gets lonely, and it isn’t even about adult interaction. It’s that special adult, your rock, whether that’s your partner, best friend or family.
And you try to explain this occasionally, tears and exhaustion stinging, but the only ones who (I’ve found) truly understand have been there themselves. The mom tribe.
Because even though all the above might be true, so is this.
You’re in love, madly and completely, with this tiny human.
You cherish every second spent together, even while balancing the wish for a few more hours of snoozing next to each other.
Every laugh, every reaction, every time your hug comforts, or your voice soothes.
Every feed, whether easy or hard, when you have that moment. When they look at you or reach out to touch you, because of love.
Every evening when you’re watching them snooze happily on the baby monitor and it’s adult time for you yet… You find yourself watching photos and videos on your phone, missing their presence next to you.
Every aching moment apart where you’re wondering if they’re okay, if they’re happy, and smiling at your mental photo album of memories.
It’s hard to explain how you can be this happy and in love, while simultaneously balancing exhaustion you’ve never experienced before and the need for you time (by which I partially mean staring at Netflix with your eyes open while taking a nap… It’s doable).
It’s tough to watch your partner listen and try to wrap his head around it. It’s also hard to explain that even though your baby naps, that’s the time when you throw in another load of laundry, cook lunch, take a shower, make sure the house admin is done and the grocery shop list includes the right amount of coconut ice cream (there’s never enough).
Or the fact that you secretly worry about the mornings after a tough night, when you just don’t seem to be able to find your A game when playing with her. Is she having fun? Is this challenging her enough, encouraging her development enough? Are you boring before coffee?
And then, when you do sit down with a cuppa and a stretch of you time, tiredness prevents too much in-depth focus on other things and you find yourself with those videos, listening to her laugh because you made a funny face.
It’s hard to explain how the best thing in your life, the happiest moments, can also be hard and sometimes lonely.
They say the nights are long but the years are short, and I remind myself of that in all those moments where it seems too hard to stay awake, focused, inspired. Those days when it gets lonely because dad works long hours and we miss him.
But then again, isn’t that the very definition of motherhood? It was never supposed to be easy. The best things in life rarely are, but they sure are worth it all.
And I know when she’s older, and we’re looking back, I’ll smile and think of all the good and wish time hadn’t moved so fast. Wish for another day of exhaustion, or just the two of us goofing around on the play-mat. Or watching her snooze on my chest.
I’m so humbled and grateful to have found myself on this journey.
I’m so grateful to all the moms who told me it would be okay to not feel okay all the time. The moms who had made it look easy for all those years, but who smiled at pregnant oblivious me and said “When it gets too much. When it’s all tears and you can’t figure out what’s wrong or you’re too tired. You’ve got this. You’ll be okay.”
Because the mom tribe knows. We know it’s possible to feel happiness and love beyond words, without losing the ability to feel lost and occasionally cry in the hallway too.
Mom’s are a force to be reckoned with, and I’m not hesitant to declare us all super-heroes.
Author: Petra von Schalien
Link to social media: Instagram @peachesschalien | Twitter @peachesschalien
