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Mental Health

My Mushy Body is Not Loved

Why are women constantly told they have to love their new bodies?

Look what your body did, they say! You created a miracle, they say! Let’s not forget the opposing side either – you must get your body back, they say! BUT – you must love your current body, while you go find your other body, they say!

Am I proud of this ol’ gal for building two humans, surviving the chaos of child birth and safely bringing perfect creatures into the world? Why, yes I am.

I also feel mushy. I feel tired. I feel weak. I feel uncomfortable. My boobs constantly feel like they are being strangled by my bra. My back fat feels like a gill that exists on some rare, ocean mammal. These fingers – they’re still sweaty sausages and the little bones in my feet ache for a lighter body to carry. My neck is angry, my ribs are confused, my pelvic floor visits the bathroom steadily and I’m just always kind of damp. I don’t love it.

I want to feel – that at any moment – I can strap two kids to my back, sprint across a field, hop a prison level fence, land on my feet like your local street cat all while holding a six pack of bud heavy. That is not my current body status. I don’t love it.

Am I hating on the ladies who do love the current body they’re in, no way. That’s rad – It’s just not how I feel. Will it stop me from wearing a bathing suit? Nah man, I’ve got rays to catch.

So – as I slowly go through this process of feeling strong again, I will exchange love notes with my beautiful closet. I miss her dearly. While she somberly waits for my return, I will not love it.

I am both proud and mushy and I don’t love it.

Comment
by AUritis

My name is Alexandra, but please call me Alex! I was born and raised in Southern California and am so lucky to be back here in Costa Mesa, CA with my loves - partner in crime Peter, our kids Hattie and Harrison and our rad cat, Tobi. Before my crew came onto the scene, my first love was soccer. I have spent most of my life playing it - attending Catawba College in North Carolina as an All American and later transferring to the University of Kansas to finish out my college years and graduate with a degree in Art History. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

Since college - I've bartended, worked in an incredible art gallery, curated events, revived a surf brand, launched a clothing line, designed greeting cards and along the way - picked up writing. After becoming a mother, I experienced postpartum depression and needed a way to process the darkness. The endless changes, loss, sadness and complicated emotions that come with motherhood are consistently hidden and swallowed. I'd love to give a voice to more women who may not know how to put their heart into words.

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