That nowadays everyone has anxiety problems, many know. And we have been talking more and more about mental health, which is great. I decided to open up in an intimate way to help those who still don’t know what exactly a panic attack can be like and also write about it in a way that people that knows what is like, can also relate. I do believe shared experiences makes us stronger to go through difficulties!
A little bit of context it won’t hurt. The year was 2012 when I made some big decisions in my life, I would completely drop my career after many frustrations and the non-belonging feelings (that usually come together). I had also made a decision to come back to the city I was born in after 16 years of living in a different one. We are looking at a complete change of scenarios here.
So I finally arrived in Rio de Janeiro (hell yeah, darlings, I’m carioca) and to add on the big decisions making list, me and my boyfriend at the time decided to live together. I had no job but after some years on the advertising industry, I decided to work in a Hostel in Ipanema, to detox. It seemed perfect, I would ride a bike going through Lagoa, it was great, but that wasn’t paying the bills, unfortunately.
So I started doing art direction as a freelancer. The paying in Rio is very low compared to where I used to live. So I had to get many clients and work almost 24/7 to just pay rent. I barely slept, ate badly, the rent was high and I would go to bed doing math, very stressing.
One fine day I was working in front of the computer, as usual when I felt weird. My partner asked me to go with him at the dinners below our place to eat something and I thought it was a good idea. When I had my last bite on my sandwich, I had a very strong sensation that I was gonna faint. And that had never happened to me. Tingling on my hands and feet, tachycardia, I thought it might have been low pressure, so I put some salt in my mouth, and shaking I went to the bathroom to throw some water on my face, the sensation just wouldn’t go away.
My partner asked me if I wanted to go to a hospital and promptly I said yes. The feeling was as if I was having a stroke or a heart attack, I knew something was happening but my body wouldn’t shut off. So we went to the hospital and the doctor said I was perfectly fine, all vital signs were great. I thought I might be crazy cause I was dying 20 minutes ago! When I arrived home, I was completely exhausted, very tired indeed.
The following days were taken by fear and I had decided not to tell anyone, I didn’t want to alarm people, at least not until I was diagnosed with something. But some days had passed and I came back to my routine. My heavy routine. And on the week that followed I started to feel as weird as the first time I had the first thing. So I decided to go brushing my teeth and go to sleep, although I knew it might have been too late. So I asked my partner: do you know the emergency phone? It’s this one, just so if something happens to me.
I obviously didn’t wanna scare him, but I knew something was up. Not even 20 seconds had passed and a new crisis had started, this was a big one. I cried out for help, it was intense, I thought I was going to die. Maybe it didn’t take me the other time, this time it could. All the same sensations emerged once again, the tingling, sweat, tachycardia, the feeling that the head might explode and the body wouldn’t shut. So here we went again to the hospital and once again I heard that my vital signs were perfect, very frustrating. Went home, exhaustion once again.
So I finally decided to call my dad to tell what have happened to me. I didn’t know what it was but it already have happened twice. To what, after a dramatic pause, he replied: “kid, what do you have is panic disorder. I live with that since I was 28. I’m going to Rio right now so I can help you go through it”.
I felt a completely ignorant. How dad have had this even before I was born and I didn’t know? I mean, I knew that he had it, I just had absolutely no idea of what it was. I had an image in my had, and probably lot’s of people have this as an imaginary collective that panic disorder is something else. Even if you make a simple Google search, the images that appear are absolutely ridiculous, hahaha.
My dad arrived in Rio and comforted me a lot. He taught me breathing techniques to stop the evolution of the thing, that now I called crisis. Told me about the importance of doing therapy, to go to a doctor to check if I needed medicine or not. In the beginning is not gonna be easy, he said, but things will normalize. And eventually they really did. So I believe I can share some (not so) fun facts and tips on the matter, I hope it can reach those in need!
- There isn’t a profile that fits a person who has panic disorders. There isn’t an exact why it can manifest for the first time, sometimes it can be obvious, like it was for me. But there are many factors, such as traumas, stress, rough changes, many situations. That’s why therapy is so important, we need to be aware of what is triggering and treat it the best way.
- Our body has many discharge valves, we many times bring to physical what is psychological, we get sick, we get gastritis, we have anxiety crisis. The panic disorder is when our body accumulates adrenaline and suddenly discharges it, wherever you are, in a stressful situation or just getting a bite. And when this happens, you feel as imminent death, sweating, palpitations, tachycardia, head pressure, many symptoms vary from one to another.
- The exhaustion feeling is felt after the crisis is the extreme tension the body and the mind keep during the process. It’s a very heavy physical and mental “exercise”.
- The breathing exercises I did consisted in breathing in, inhaling for 3 seconds and exhaling for 6 seconds, that it, putting out more air. And also, now this can come weird for you, but I would lay on the floor to consciously relax my muscles. Why on the floor? Because if you lay on a mattress or a soft spot, it’s harder to feel the muscles that are tensioned.
- I was able to contain further crisis with the breathing exercises I mentioned. After some time, I didn’t have to lay on the floor anymore, it is as if you are enhancing your abilities because you get to know your body better. I did some radical changes as well because I could. I established time to sleep, to work, I quit drinking for some time, I started yoga and therapy. But even though I changed all that, I have a medicine on my cabinet just to make me feel safe. What I’m saying here is, nobody is the same, every experience is different. Sometimes it’s not a choice, you need to balance chemistry on your brain and that is also fine. Be gentle to yourself, go to a doctor you trust and open up. Get the treatment that you need. 🙂
- I can’t stress this enough, don’t be hard on yourself. It took me over 6 months to be comfortable, to feel safe to do regular stuff again, like going out and staying some time away from home. I was afraid to have a crisis in the middle of the street and people wouldn’t be able to help, I was just very afraid. That is the cycle of the panic disorder, you have the crisis and then you’re afraid of having the next one, so you build up fear that can lead to another crisis. Is very important that at some point you can break this cycle. I never had another crisis. I very rarely have some of that weird feeling that are the symptoms building up, but I can interrupt with breathing and sometimes with medicine.
Well, this is it. I hope I have helped you somehow, I know it really helps me reading and listening to similar experiences that I had. And for that I’m also creating a Podcast for the next year so we can reach each other in any way possible. Hit me up in any of my social media if you feel you need to or just want to. I wanna finish this by saying that I met many people that have had panic disorders in the past but for years didn’t have any symptoms at all. It gets easier by the time and I believe we can go through this if we go together.
