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Poetry

My Will

I want to be cremated and spread around like an STD. I want everyone to talk about me and read my scripts and remount my play. I want my soul to come back the same. I want my body to continue to be a vessel. My little sister and her fiancé can have all of my records. My parents can keep the old photo albums and children’s books I’ll never give my children.
 
I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to forgive myself for all of it. I want to believe that nothing bad ever really happened to me. I want to make up with cigarettes and all of my exes. I want to have mattered. I want to look down and be proud of myself instead of waiting for my parents to be. I want to let other people’s wins feel like my own. I want to really see people the way I wish they could really see me. 
 
I’m glad that I thought I could do something this hard. I’m glad I failed but never truly fell down. I’m glad I knew how lucky I was. I’m glad I always looked for signs. 
 
I’m sorry for the credit card debt and the lies. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for playing the victim too much. I’m sorry I didn’t try new things. I’m sorry I never slowed down enough to take inventory of myself and my choices. I’m sorry I never learned Spanish or how to do a cartwheel. I’m sorry that my ambition was my one true love. I’m sorry I never settled for a mediocre man or the picture-perfect life. I was too busy feeling small or stupid. The only one who ever called me those things was myself.
 
I will miss the smell of the beach on the highway. I will miss being the perfect amount of stoned to let a stranger see me naked. I will miss finding the missing pieces of my soul in friends I overlooked at first. I will miss inspiring my colleagues to push a little bit farther. I will probably even miss making mistakes, never able to see what beauty they would bring me. 
 
I won’t miss the bad days and the depression and the hangovers. I won’t miss the racism and hate. I won’t miss the wealth gap and the hamster wheel of having a “good” job. I won’t miss the sprint to check off all the things on life’s list we’re all supposed to have by 25.
 
I hope that I cherished my audience. I hope that I made people laugh so deep they felt like they said it. I hope that I gave love even when I didn’t get it. I hope that you know how much I loved you and still do. 
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by bitaker

Casey Navarro is a seasoned stand-up, sketch comedy, and improv performer based in Los Angeles. Hailing from Beavercreek, OH, Navarro lived in Chicago for the last 8 years where she trained with Second City and iO Chicago. Navarro has toured with Second City for the last five years and just finished premiering her first full length play that she wrote and directed as part of the Artist in Residency Series at Saint Mary's College. She also just completed a stand up tour in Europe through London, Paris, and Amsterdam and spent 4 months at sea performing comedy on NCL’s Breakaway. In addition to her work as a performer, Casey is a freelance comedy writer for the card game, Utter Nonsense: An Inappropriate Accent Game. You might also catch her on TV in a Big Lots and Ally Bank Commercial. Follow her on instagram @caseysbits.


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