My brother always told me I was “the most you unique person” he’s ever met. I wasn’t quite sure if that leaned on the spectrum of weird or your typical accentric type personality. I was diagnosed Bi Polar 1 over 14 years ago. Would you believe me if I told you I never took my meds consistently until last year? It’s ridiculous given I have healthcare with access to the best doctors.(Shout out to Pops) Prescription after prescription handed to me, I preferred to ride the wave. Whether I was cruising, or just crashing, the moody ocean water filled my lungs and tried to drown me. The waves were my behaviors, they were risky and life was beautiful. I describe a manic state as free cocaine. Literally the same euphoric intensity without funds or potential nose bleeds. Without funds- right up my ally. I’m the poster child for lack of financial responsibility. All of the money I’ve ever made, I really couldn’t tell you what I spent it on. But I could tell you it felt amazing to blow it.
Honestly, I didn’t see the value in taking medication. When I was headed to a manic episode I was excited. My sight was clouded by absence of judgement. My sleep was limited with a poor appetite. I was deprived of self control. Although I’ve achieved several accomplishments, I always seemed to be taking steps backwards in life. I was repeatedly hesitant to check the “disability” box filling out applications for jobs. I questioned if my actions would be held against me in the workplace. Stress and pressure are my trigger points. Oh there it goes! Self awareness.
Because of the stigma, I have always been reluctant to write about living with Bi Polar Disorder, especially since 90% of the people in my life are unaware. I would never blame my disorder on my failed relationships and decayed friendships, but it most certainly hasn’t helped. The challenge is finding a balance of managing my symptoms without destroying everything around me. After countless treatment plans and hospital stays, my coping skills are fire. I value sleep, proper nutrition, positive body movement, and medication compliance. Surrounding myself with supportive, encouraging friends and family members is essential to me. I utilize my positive coping skills in difficult situations. More importantly, I refuse to let my setbacks identify me.
My personal mantra is “one day at a time.”I’m currently managing my rapid cycling better than when I never tried. I am one of the 2.3 million Americans that live with this neurobiological brain disorder. I’m currently following my treatment plan, which does consist of actually taking my prescribed meds. I’m learning, growing, and accepting my diagnosis. Call me what you want, take it or leave it. I have finally embraced my disorder and realized it’s not a curse, it’s just a life challenge I am fully game for.
