I never talk about this…and I feel like that’s an issue, an issue that many women have.
The night I was heavily sleeping in my bed, rolled over, slightly opening my eyes, to see a dark figure next to me. I thought I was dreaming and as I rolled over again this figure became real.
I’ve never screamed so hard in my entire life.
He grabbed my entire body and held me against the wall, whispering in my ear. I couldn’t tell you what he was saying because I was too scared. I’ll skip the rest…
This ended by him running out and away of fear of someone hearing my screams. This was a stranger, that had been watching me enter and leave my home, and broke-in in the middle of the night.
My fear turned into anger, and I immediately called the police, and took him to court. I went through months of trial, having to tell my story in graphic details in front of large court rooms, and restraining orders.
I was not only traumatized, but also traumatized by the way I was poorly treated by the police , and the people I worked with throughout the legal process. And in addition, my father who I wasn’t speaking with at the time, started leaving me voicemails commenting that it was “my fault” and I made “stupid decisions”, etc.
Talk about traumatic. I always took pride in my independence, and immediately felt like my strength, and ability to take care of myself had been stripped away. I felt embarassed.
I still sometimes wonder if this trauma was responsible for my mental breakdown, my eating disorder, my hospitalization, my years of perscription medication.
And now, most recently, is this trauma the reason I started dating women?
I don’t think people realize how traumatic sexual assault is. When our physical bodies and personal space are invaded or controlled, it does everlasting damage to our brains.
So, how do women heal from sexual assault?
I can’t say I know the answer, considering the effects of my experience. Talking about it? Maybe. But it still doesn’t decrease the trauma or change the memories. I still feel like I want to barf if I even think about that night.