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Mental Health

Sexuality, Dilemmas of Desire

Let me unveil some of the features of a typical Pakistani.  Having a guilty conscience is just as bad as being charged guilty of a wrongful act. To be honest, most of my life, since adolescence, I have been on par with myself on this matter.

Belonging from a traditional and cultural, Muslim background, admitting this in front of an audience is the opposite of what any girl like myself should be doing.

To be clear, I am perfectly okay with every other sexuality type that exists, even though it contradicts my beliefs. Because every person has a right to be comfortable in their skin, as I understand I have been trying to be, for a long long time.

Sometimes when you think too much about something, your thoughts spiral back and forth around it.

It’s called  ‘being paranoid’.

As we pass from childhood to adolescence, our bodies change and develop, emotionally and physically. Especially the females. This is the time people start to wonder about who they are and who they are attracted to. It is common to have confused thoughts about ourselves during this stage. This development can be true for most people too, just saying.

I am fascinated by these developments that are coming forth as time is evolving, but there is a lot that needs to be addressed regarding the confusion of one’s sexuality.

Sexual desire is defined as having romantic, passionate, sexual feelings of attraction. And many people face this dilemma these days due to the influence of the changes that have been going around lately.

Teens especially the troubled ones, find comfort and friendship directly proportional to desire, and that is the ultimate truth that was needed to be said.

Being a troubled introvert myself, I have faced with such problematic thoughts that were very stressful to deal with. As an orphan, loneliness, and social awkwardness had stripped away my identity which I was already confused about, and amid these insecurities, adolescence lead me doubtful about myself on a whole other level.

As I grew up, I realized that it wasn’t the gender I was attracted to, it was the ‘person’ herself that intrigued me because no other person of the same gender had the same effect on me. hence I was only intimidated and captivated by the personality and the fact that I was comfortable around her.

This doesn’t describe why I was fascinated to see gay people in general, even though I deny the fact considering the society I live in.

Sometimes you are attracted or curious about the things you can’t have. The society or the community that you belong to can have a reverse effect on your desire, and it may leave you wanting something that is unacceptable. (controversy due to faith).

Being heterosexual, I am attracted to watch gay lifestyles because of the hardships they have faced and the personalities they have had to adapt to survive in their community. And that fascinates me to my core. But since my childhood, I had never been able to figure out why I was attracted to the opposite gender but had a spot for homosexuals as well.  Being too proud to talk about it, it affected my personality and tangled my nerves to a farther new level which took a while for me to recover from.

Even though this stage is critical for them to realize their identity, kids in their early years stray from their originality and make rash decisions not because they are different but because they are not guided properly, which may lead to life-changing consequences and scenarios like changing sexuality or switching twice even.

Talking about our thoughts is a crucial aspect that contributes to our mental health, in ways we can’t even imagine. And matters like these should even be prioritized to be addressed or handled regardless of the social norms and culture or community we are born in.

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by Fatima

A 21 year old introvert, figuring out life as it is, just as much as you are.

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