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Relationships

The First Time

We spend our entire teenage years thinking about it—the first time.

We watch movies that romanticize it. He takes you to a hotel, he buys you roses, and you’re both dressed to the nines. You have an amazing evening out, and then after professing your love to each other, you’re swept away by your passion, exploring each other and solidifying your love in a physical way.

But the reality of this moment is not so picturesque. No one talks about the awkwardness leading up to it. Trying to decide when, where, why, if. Do you really love them? Now that you’ve been dating six months, is it just an expectation at this point? If you want to wait until marriage, do you panic that there’s no way they’ll stay around and wait that long? Whatever the reason, the first time is typically awkwardly bumbling around where neither party really knows what they’re doing, and the experience is usually not anything close to pleasurable.

No one tells you about what happens after, either. If it was terrible, can you stop? Can you tell them you don’t want to anymore? Can you revoke permission? There’s almost an unspoken pressure that once you’ve “given it up” it becomes an expectation. I fell into that trap. After deciding to “take the next step” after the arbitrary six months had passed, I realized it wasn’t really something I was ready for. However, I was never asked again whether or not I wanted to. Instead, I became property, and it became something I owed on a schedule or at will—really whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. And it wasn’t something that was a mutual expression of love, it was something that was done at my expense, for his pleasure.

I remember one day where it had been going for hours, and I vocally and physically expressed that I was in pain and couldn’t go on anymore, only to be told that I needed to let him finish. My body has still not recovered from the trauma I experienced throughout that relationship, and it took me a very long time to truly understand the psychological and physical abuse that occurred.

As I’m rewatching 7th Heaven, thinking about my son and what he’ll have to face when he grows up, I pray for a society where consent is sexy—where at all times, sex is an expression of love and a mutually agreed upon act every time. Instead of shaming movies for creating unrealistic expectations, we need to shape reality to where intimate relationships are idyllic. We need to keep the conversation going. We need to educate our partners, our peers and our children. We need to be unafraid to talk about what goes on behind closed doors, because I guarantee my story is one in a million.

Like this post? View similar content here: Don’t Confuse Reality with Justice: My Sexuality, My Reality

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by xpc454

Dr. Allison Quintanilla Plattsmier was born and raised in Nashville, TN. She graduated summa cum laude from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga with a B.S. in Political Science: Public Administration and Nonprofit Management and a minor in Entrepreneurship. She went on to receive her M.Ed. in Community Development and Action from Vanderbilt University’s Peabody College and her Doctorate of Education in Leadership and Professional Practice at Trevecca Nazarene University. She completed an Elite Masters of Business Administration in four months through Smartly and is a Certified Nonprofit Professional, Certified Fund Raising Executive, SHRM Certified Professional, and Associate Professional in Human Resources.

Allison has a wealth of experience in the nonprofit sector including Associate Director of Programs and Development for the Transit Alliance of Middle Tennessee, Community Investment Manager for NeedLink Nashville, and Executive Director of the Tennessee Intercollegiate State Legislature (TISL) Foundation. She currently serves as Executive Director of the Jordan Thomas Foundation, as Project Manager of a nonprofit she founded called Close the Loop, and runs her own nonprofit consulting business, AQP Consulting. She has raised over $1.2 million throughout her time in the nonprofit sector earning her recognition as one of AFP’s 2018 Outstanding Young Professionals and specializes in nonprofit governance, strategic planning, donor psychology, and grant writing.

She is a member of the Rotary Club of Nashville, Nashville Kiwanis, Nashville Cable, the Association of Latino Professionals for America (ALPFA), Junior League of Nashville, Nashville Junior Chamber, the Association of Fundraising Professionals (AFP), MT|SHRM, Ellevate Network, the Young Nonprofit Professionals Network (YNPN), the National Association of Women MBAs, Pi Sigma Alpha Political Honor Society, and Golden Key International Honor Society. She serves as Secretary and Awards Chair on the board of Doing Good, as a board member and Professional & Civic Engagement Committee member for Futuro, as a board member and Civic Outreach Chair for Nashville Cable, as Treasurer of Healing Arts Project, Inc. (HAPI), and as an advisory board member of Moves & Grooves.

In her free time, she enjoys volunteering, reading, singing, kickboxing, and hanging out with her phenomenal husband, Kris, their son Quintan, and their three cats, Sheena, Jacinda, and Milo.

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