Mental Health

The Losers Club

Finding solace inside of the chaos magic. Acknowledging the anxiety that has been killing us for a long time. Truth is the only way through.

How do you know where it starts? Is it in that first moment or at the point when everything is already forsaken? The point where it was decided that it was no longer gonna be something? She had walked away from a lot of people at this point and it was hard too swallow the feelings of no longer needing to be surrounded by the sameness.

Leaving a comfort zone was always a scary endeavor; starting over; trusting the unknown. Nobody could help her, it just had to be her. The world was different then what it had been, it was something strange, filled with anxiety and fear. After suffering with anxiety your whole life; this was just par for the course.

“The fear shrinks the closer you allow yourself to be in the moment,” her friend said and it sounded like something out of a spiritual manual, like people really talk like that? And we can all agree that it is true but also, it is so much easier to say it then it is to accept it and allow it to totally rule your life. We are all constantly getting lost in the mind chatter, but then we also have to be strong enough to allow the truth to come out and stand on its own. Death is necessary and part of the eerie quality of life; and, it is the feeling of being haunted and wanting to remember it exactly as it was but not being able to which is the necessary component for complete and total transformation.

“I can hold space, but sometimes I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore, or like how do I keep this up? Sustainably, I mean. I’m a freak bitch, wandering this world, soulless blanket, what is that supposed to mean? I mean, you are in love with a ghost and I am in love with a vampire, who can tell us which way to go except ourselves? And what do you do when all those truths just live inside of you and how scary it is to attempt to let them all out,” she rambled.

The jumble had something to say, the relentless monotonous speech of desire, the impetus to say something outside of the traditional structure but still somehow desiring that affirmation from the institution that we reject. I hate you capitalist society, but why won’t you give me money?

“I need to go back to that psychic. I mean, we have a lot of knowledge, but we don’t always know how to trust it. We go back and forth. It is always something different and we never know how to stick with one thing. We never know how to trust ourselves,” her friend admitted to the whole girl gang.

She nodded. It was true. We played with the healer archetype but we also left ourselves cold and shivering in the hills of our own forgotten dreams.

To prove something to herself, she takes her typewriter out onto the streets to type in public view. This is where she admits that she has so much time on her hands. What are we doing with this time rich life? It is okay for all of us to trust that we can do what we want to do, but it is also a dream, a fairytale, a fantasy. We like to live in fantasies.

“Do you want any wine?” a random passerby.

“I’m gonna stick with my fairy juice for right now,” she says, cheering her kombucha bottle to the sky.

It takes courage to do something different. It takes courage to live with fear and to acknowledge that fear is existing around you always. That’s how you know that you are a bad ass, if you are constantly doubting yourself and wondering what will happen next, then it is probably a good sign. You are on the right track. Everything will ironically be okay because you don’t think it will be okay.

Don’t get too comfortable. Shit is gonna change.

We walked on our own path and we never knew that we were cool because that is what made us cool.

“We’re the loser’s club!” she shouted out to the other people on the street and they said that they wanted to be losers too. How do I give you directions on how to be a loser? You already have the map in your own heart.

by Evelyn Amber Schmelling

Evelyn was a high school English teacher in Sacramento, CA for 4 years but quit during a spiritual emergence at the beginning of her Saturn Returns where she opted to live off the grid for a year on a farm and traveling around the state of Oregon. During this time she had started publishing Zines and selling them at Zine Fests and also began typing poetry on the street. She has been published in a few magazines and has also published numerous small zines relating to mental health issues and spirituality such as Astrology and has recently published a memoir called Shameless Hussie.

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