While swiping through Tinder you pass though a flock of locals. The guy holding his friend’s dog, the girl with a bar bathroom selfie, and the occasional totally blank profile. And then you see them, a person with a great smile, kind eyes, good hair, and it’s a match! A date is scheduled for the weekend after a charming first exchange. You’re nervous leading up to the day, and you’re already wondering that you two will talk about. But when you meet them in person for the first time-you don’t feel the “spark”.
The spark is a false idea that has existed since the Romantic era. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your first encounter with a stranger is not likely to lead to a Romeo and Juliet romance, and any spark that is felt is the brain processing this date as an event filled with lust and potential. Love and relationships have moved through many states throughout history, first partners were just a way to make a child-there was no such thing as monogamous relationships that lasted a lifetime, then partnership became a way of cultural power and economic relations, -the love of your life wasn’t your husband, but someone you had an affair with and this was normal. Then came the Romantic era the idea of marriage and love was planted in people’s minds. After WW2 dating culture hit fast-forward and marriage after high school became normal, women became housewives and marriage the first person they ever loved. Now we are living through a new change of love and relationships.
“Falling in love is not the same as being in love.”-Logan Ury. It is strange that when experts talk about relationships, they say the relationships that last are the ones where people didn’t expect anything. The friend that slowly became a flirtationship and even arranged marriages form relationships that last decades. Today people are going into a date with the intention of falling in love, of grand gestures, of feeling something that they have never felt before. And these are in reality all unrealistic. And I don’t mean to be cynical, but I think we can agree that romantic movies are scripted and not mean to watched like a documentary. Real life love creeps up on you, it is a slow burn, it is something that IS BUILT OVER TIME! A spark from one 45 minute date isn’t going to tell you whether that person sitting across from you is going to make a good life partner.
I highly recommend reading How Not to Die Alone by the behavioral scientist and dating coach Logan Ury. This book as been my new obsession in my path to a career in love, sex and romance.