I ride a camel to spend a night in the desert, sands, and stone hit me in the face, “you are not enough”, the wind whispers, the darkness of the sky swallows me raw. I shut my eyes and all I can see is the darkness without the borders. I ran to get away, I ran fast without my baggage. I took a hike to spend a night in the mountain, damp roads twisted my ankle, sharp stones cut holes in my body. I scream and shout so loud that I can hear my echo filled with despair. I ran to get away, I ran fast without the wounded body parts. I hop on a plane to spend a night in the city, I lay in my bed next to the window, the sound of the ambulance is so sharp it went straight to my brain, it was trapped like a headless fly, it hits and strikes. I tried to run but I have nowhere else to go.
The doctor did surgery on me the next morning. I realized that there is no geographical solution to my problem. Wherever I go, it follows. I cannot run away from it. The baggage I left in the desert, the wounded body parts, the torturing noises. I idealized the thought of solitude, I wished to live in solitude for the rest of my life. Away from pain and anguish. But how am I supposed to be isolated with myself when the problematic thoughts and insecurities come from me.
I left the operating room. I see the pure blankness, it is empty and meaningless. I feel nothing, there are no more emotions, I am numb and dull. I look at the wrinkly map in my hands but cannot remember a thing.
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