To the woman I believed was my best friend;
In the time I’ve spent mourning the loss of your friendship, I’ve spent much of it, most of it actually, pondering the question: why was I not good enough to be loved unconditionally by you? You promised me again and again that you would be here for me during every storm and every season. I believed you. You promised me you would cheer me on while I pursued my passions. I believed you. You promised me that we would share our happiest moments and cry together during our worst moments. I believed you. You were the most important person in my life. Maybe that was the problem.
I spent nearly four years neglecting myself trying to make sure you were okay at all times. I took it personally when you no longer wanted help. I put things I wanted to do on hold so that I could be there for you. I spent time, energy and even money that I didn’t have trying to find a spark of joy as motivation for you to keep going, also as a thank you for filling a void I had lived with for most of my life. But you didn’t ask me to any of that. I did that myself. Maybe that was the problem.
We let each other down. And for my part, I am deeply sorry. I will live with that burden for a long, long time. But it wasn’t all me. You let me down too. You let me down because you became exactly the type of person you used to hate, exactly the type of person you promised yourself, and me, that you would never become. It’s painful to watch the most kind, selfless person I had ever had the pleasure of knowing become someone filled with so much hatred for herself and for the world. I can’t help but feel like I influenced that in some ways. And again, I am deeply sorry for that.
We aren’t good for each other. There is no question in that statement. I know few worse feelings than looking at you, knowing that you know everything about me, yet we are now strangers. I wonder what you think about when you see me. I wonder if you think about the nights we stayed up thanking each other for being so understanding in a world where we each felt so estranged from everyone else. I wonder if you picture us boarding a plane to follow the dream we both had and thankfully found each other to pursue it together. I wonder if you are reliving fights we had or thinking of all the things you wish you had the courage to say to me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if you are thankful for the way things are now or if you have regrets. At this point, I can truthfully say that I’d rather not know what you are thinking.
One day, we won’t see each other every day anymore. It will be better for both of us. I will always be thankful for time I spent knowing you but I am also still struggling with questions such as: was it easy for you to cut me out of your life? Is your life better now? Do you regret meeting me? If I had done something differently, would we still be friends? Do you still care about anything having to do with me? Yet, I don’t want to know the answers to those questions.
While I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I have made strides when it comes to valuing myself and knowing my worth these days. No matter what I did wrong, contributing to the ending of our friendship, I didn’t deserve to be left in the dark. I didn’t deserve to wake up one day and out of the blue, be left completely alone. And that is, in case you ever wonder, why I stopped trying to fix us.
I will always wish you the best,
An old friend.
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