Myth: Going to the gym is always a healthy thing!
Fact: Going to the gym can sometimes be detrimental to your physical and mental health.
I grew up fairly athletic, constantly being rushed to soccer games, basketball practices, softball tryouts, and the one-time ballet class that my mom is still upset that I quit. However, I didn’t start going to the gym regularly until high-school. This is where my disordered eating and negative relationship with the gym really started to develop. It began by telling my dad to pick me up at 4 p.m instead of 3 p.m so I could run on the treadmill until my legs were Jell-O. Then, it slowly started to turn into an obsession, and soon a crutch I used to heal myself when food and the world around me got too heavy.
My poor relationship with food and my body pushed me to use the gym as a sort of “undo button” kind of thing. I had a big meal? Gym. I snacked at night? Gym. I had ice cream? Gym. Going out to dinner? Gym before AND after. Since I was only there to burn calories, my brain would not let me get off the treadmill until I felt I burned enough off. Every session was excruciating. I had almost no energy on most days and sometimes I’d be there until 2 a.m., forcing myself to keep going. Of course, I thought this was healthy and that going to the gym was obviously better than not going – which was very very wrong. In the end, I started to hate the gym, and I started to hate myself. I wasn’t allowing myself to heal the true wounds I had.
When you have an unhealthy relationship with food and your body, you develop habits that you can fall back on to help keep that negative voice at bay. I’d feel great after leaving the gym because that voice was satisfied…until the next day and then I’d start all over again. Once I did some research of my own, I realized that if I ever wanted to break this cycle, I’d have to stop going to the gym or go a lot less frequently. This is what is called “Opposite Action” and is a very valuable tool when dealing with similar problems. You have to do exactly the opposite of what those thoughts are telling you – so I stopped my painful gym sessions.
Quitting the gym, of course, came with a flood of anxiety because I no longer had my crutch. I had to rely on myself to get me out of my own head and to keep moving forward with my recovery. I sought out help from my sister and friends to get me through the bad days when I needed my “undo button”. Their support was crucial during this time, so I recommend that if you decide to also cut out any sort of crutch you have, to always seek out help and support or you’ll likely fall back into using it.
My anti-gym stint lasted for about 4-5 months, but I will be honest and say that I did go a few times. However, I did not allow myself to slave away on the treadmill. Instead, I pushed myself to do other forms of exercise that would keep me healthy and not allow me to focus on calories. I started small and slow, only using small weights, going for walks outside, and doing yoga. When I was in program for my eating disorder, yoga was something my therapists always recommended since you couldn’t really track calories burned.
Moving your body should feel nice, and if right now it doesn’t, quitting the gym for a bit might help you better connect exercise with something that should make you feel good. It’s very easy to get caught up in what we feel we are expected to do to be “healthy” – like go to the gym every day (thanks #fitstagram *eye roll*). The word “healthy” can often be thrown around a little carelessly, and people often forget that the gym, although meant to be a positive tool, can truly have a negative impact on someone. The gym or any other form of exercise should never be used as a punishment or “undo button”, but instead as a celebration of what your body can do. It took a lot of therapy and help me to change this mindset. Some days I do have those negative thoughts, but I know it’s not worth it to go back. I don’t miss skipping dinners, canceling on friends, and carrying around the anxiety of needing to go to the gym.
Your relationship with food, your body, and exercise should be once that brings joy and peace! Not stress, pain, or sadness. I know it’s hard some days, but you need to remember to be kind to your body, no matter how you feel about it or what you ate. If you feel like you’re using the gym to go against that, it might be time to let it go for a while until your relationship with yourself is healthier. You might just get a part of yourself back you forgot was there.
