I used to think I would have it all figured out by now I am 24 and I just went back to uni to start on a new career. I no longer have any dreams or ambitions. I feel dazed all the time.I wish I could self-reflect and say words of genuine self interest that make me sound like I have gathered enough to talk about “insert generic topic of conversation”, I never have enough words, I never have the right words to say.
Maybe one day I will, with enough practice at getting it wrong enough times , I will eventually form cohérent thoughts that properly articulate the clumsiness I feel wandering the earth maybe one day my thoughts won’t feel so wonky. The only urge or yearning I have is to accumulate things, I am aware that none of this will make me happy. I feel devastatingly unprepared for how my life has turned out. I wish my heart wasn’t so big , I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. Most of my peers have families and friends to spend the holidays with and I just have myself I have only ever had myself.
I feel like an anamoly, like i messed up somewhere, like there was a file system somewhere in the cosmos were people were united with families to spend their lives with and my file accidentally got misplaced and I was left with no one. I am uncomfortable with life, I don’t think I have ever been comfortable with being alive.
I wish I had the answers to all my questions and that time didn’t feel like a prison. I know I am not special but I wish I was, I wish I was special enough to demand answers from the unknown or at least have them answer back.