My mom is scared of everything. Before she flies, she has to drink two double screwdrivers. She doesn’t even have her ears pierced, because she’s terrified of needles. Her biggest nightmare is someone tripping over the dishwasher and falling to their death. So she makes an announcement every time she opens it up.
I never wanted to be like that. So I’ve always tried to be adventurous and brave. And I did stuff: I have tattoos. I backpacked in Europe. I moved to Cleveland for a job without knowing a soul. But a couple of years ago, I realized that I had all of the same hopes and dreams as I did when I was 18. I hadn’t done any of them.
I had my reasons of course: career, money, safety, time. I told myself I was just being practical. I needed a job to move to New York. I didn’t have anyone to travel with. Graduate school was too expensive. It was too hot to do fun stuff outside. The list goes on. For every one thing that I wanted, I had three excuses why it couldn’t be done.
Two years ago, I ran into my landlord, Brian, at the bar. We talked for a while, and I learned that he had spent his twenties living around the world; teaching English in Russia, working on a goat cheese farm in Italy, living on the beach in Rio. For the last five years, he’s been working on opening a restaurant. I was fascinated by his life. I told him I’ve always wanted to live in India for short stint. He asked me why hadn’t I done it. And I told him it was too late, I had a career that I couldn’t pause; I couldn’t do things like that anymore.
Later that night we went to a karaoke bar. When we got there, Brian went all out, doing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” He encouraged me to sing, but I told him that I didn’t do stuff like that. But he said, “C’mon, this is your first step to India.” When he said that, something clicked inside of me. The six vodka sodas probably clicked as well. And so, for the first time, I karaoked, in front of a crowded bar. I was terrible, but I also realized that nothing bad happened. Not only did I live, but I felt alive.
I hung out with Brian a lot that summer. We had fun together, drinking too much on patios, laughing. And when people drink too much together and make each other laugh, they inevitably sleep together. We were no different.
After we slept together, we hung out all the time. Brian had a very adventurous spirit. He was always getting us to do stuff that I would never think of. He would have these ideas to go on small adventures exploring neighborhoods. We would drive around to look at the houses, sneak around vacant buildings. We’d get a beer in these weird, old, gross local bars, to ensure we got the real experience of the neighborhood. He’d purposely get us lost on road trips just to see the small towns.
But most of the time, we just drank beer, laughing and talking on patios. Oftentimes, somewhere between the sixth or seventh beer, I would be reminded of some goal or dream that I secretly had. I’d tell him, “I’ve always wanted to do this or that.” His response was always the same: “Why don’t you?” I thought this was the most annoying and flippant response to someone telling you their deepest desires. And it took a few times of him asking this before I realized what he was really asking and I finally figured out why. I was scared. Of everything. I was scared of f*cking up, getting hurt, making people mad, looking dumb. I was terrified to do the things I wanted to do. My relationship with Brian was forcing me to realize this.
Nothing scared me more than Brian. His adventures, but mostly the feelings I had for him. He was the first person I loved in a long time, maybe ever. And those feelings brought up all of the fears. I was scared that if I got into a relationship I would lose my autonomy and get hurt. But Brian wasn’t taking away my independence. My fear was removing my ability to make choices for myself.
I never considered how much fear I actually had and how it had been growing inside of me. I was completely unaware that the excuses I’d been making were just fear disguised as practicality. But I now know that fear has been running my life for far too long. Fear had been creating problems that were never there in the first place. Fear was telling me I couldn’t do things, for reasons that were not real. And I listened to it. So I never did anything. I believed in fear, so I couldn’t believe in myself.
As I learned to do small things that scared me, I began to shed the layers of fear that were making me hot/annoyed/claustrophobic/terrified/paralyzed. And I started to feel alive. I understood that I could live a life of joy, without any major changes to my life. I didn’t need more money, or a boyfriend, or more time in the day. All I had to do was choose courage.
After this epiphany, I traveled alone to Nicaragua, Cuba and Portugal. I started writing. I went to grad school. I was running and practicing yoga more than I ever have. I did an East Coast road trip with my dog. I took improv classes. I read at a Story Slam. I would look for any reason to be outside: walking, running, reading, eating – just to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I accepted how I felt about Brian, and the vulnerability of loving someone and being loved.
Now I’m here. Things didn’t work out with Brian. And that’s okay. I’m still awkward, tired and cranky. I continue to f*ck up. I don’t always make the right choices. But I feel a fire inside me that I never have before. Now I believe that I deserve everything I want. And I believe in myself enough to make it happen. I no longer say, “I wish I could…”. Or “I’ve always wanted to…”. I make it happen if I truly want it. I no longer look longingly at someone else’s life. I live a life that I am proud of. I choose to use courage every day.
I am still scared. I am terrified that when I read this aloud people will hate it. My stomach is in knots just thinking about what people will think.
And that’s fine. Each of those things are fine to feel. But none of them will determine my choices or dictate my life. Only I can do that. And I am not my fear.
Author: Stephanie DeLacy
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Stephanie is a coach and blogger passionate about inspiring mindfulness, connection & authenticity. She can often be found reading in bars, running at a very slow pace along Lake Erie, practicing yoga and traveling. She is the proud mom of Daphe, a five-year-old hound and two cats, Olive and Pizza Baby.
Link to social media or website: https://minimumviableadult.com
