Today I stand before you to apologize for my loving heart
although I know I shouldn’t.
Although I know that it is just part of who I am:
All messy, no makeup, clumsy and tripping over my own feet, with my head in the clouds.
All jealous, irrational, stubborn as hell.
All gentle and soft,
all lovely, loving and loved.
I apologize to you for my heart
because it is something you never wanted
and I still gave it to you to hold.
I apologize for making you live in my heart.
You wanted to leave, remember? You wanted to break free in the first months
and unknowingly I pulled you in again.
Maybe you should have left,
you should have left,
you should have left.
I apologize to you for my heart
because maybe you would be better off now if you had never met it, held it, loved it.
If you had never grown this close to it.
I apologize to you because you never asked for any of this.
You never asked for the loving, the missing, the tears, the kisses, the distress, the anxiety.
All you ever wanted was to get through this hard time and to build a life for yourself.
Not with me.
Not with anyone.
I am sorry for the times I made you sad, the times I grabbed you, held you, couldn’t let you go, the times I texted you, called you, talked, shouted, screamed.
The times I pushed you closer to the edge.
I apologize to you for my loving heart and that I found solace in yours.
I apologize to you for my impatient heart.
I apologize for always wanting.
I apologize to you for my loving heart
and how frantically I tried to rip it out of me to patch up the holes in yours
when all you needed was time to heal
on your own.
Time to be you, to be your own person. Time to live your own life
without being held back by something
as stupid as commitment.
I am sorry that I kept crawling towards you;
always reaching to be loved by you
although you never even believed in that kind of power.
I know we had good times together but if it came down to it, none of those moments would show up in a slideshow about the best parts of your life and
I am not okay with that.
But I might be eventually.
You were right when you said my heart will never find someone like you again.
Oh, to think I am so young and I will never have the privilege to love like this again.
Oh, to think that this is
the strongest I will ever feel,
the weakest I will ever feel.
That this is the most I will ever feel.
You don’t know how confining that is.
I apologize for my heart and that it was always loving, loving, loving;
That I poured all this love out of me for you
and there was still enough left to power entire countries.
I am sorry for the mess I made, the mess I am,
sorry that my heart is tender, my heart is too loving.
you will forever think of me in a soft way and know I always wanted the best for you
and I still do.
Author: Theresa Vogrin
Author Bio: Theresa Vogrin is a young writer, living in the United Kingdom and Austria.
She writes poetry, opinion pieces, short stories, essays, features in English and German; about love, life, relationships, distance, etc. Being a passionate person herself, she is very good at capturing emotions with her unique way with words.
Theresa published her debut poetry book “Bitter-Sweet” in July 2018.
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