Now my life is far from perfect, I have highs and lows which I still can’t quite control. Days I don’t want to get out of bed and days I can’t wait to start. Days the waves crash over me – and days I am determined to withstand the storm.
But there is one thing I know for certain, I am free of heartbreak.
I am talking about that deep core shattering, can’t breathe, can’t sleep, can’t eat, heartbreak. The kind you get from your first love, your second, your third. It gets easier – easier in the sense you are used to the same sensations. The feeling of your heart shattering as it hits the floor – the deafening silence when you’re hoping for more. Wanting to reach out, but knowing you shouldn’t. Moving on with your life, while still standing still. Crying for what was and what could have been.
Oh, I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. It’s hard to remember all of those memories because darkness has a pull on me. You can’t stay in the past very long without forgetting where the door to the present is.
But here I am in the present, engaged and in love. The feeling of wandering and moving on or letting go – It’s gone. It’s an amazing and incredibly odd feeling to have. As if someone came in and tidied up all the messy places in my heart and in my mind. Made room for so many more possibilities which allowed my creativity to really take hold and flourish.
Sure we have our battles. Truthfully, two vibrant people trying to mesh their lives together isn’t easy – but it’s possible. So there will always be growing pains – heart pains – tears – but my earth won’t be shattered and despite every storm, he is still there holding my hand. Fire. Ice. Rain. Hail. He’s still there holding my hand.
And I feel an immense amount of gratitude for his love and his companionship. His ability to dust out the mess from the past and make room for new beginnings. To breathe life into places I wouldn’t have discovered on my own. To be my rock so I can stand and create idea after idea, and fail and start again. To be my anchor when I am lost in my own emotional storm. The person who pulls me back to safety. In my colorful imagination, which I so easily get lost in, I have found a cord to safety, a cord back down to earth. It’s hard to put into words how amazing it is to have a steel rope life line. But it truly is amazing.
So when I say my life is without heartbreak. It is. It’s without the worst kind – lost love heartbreak. And I thank God every day for having someone who is always willing to pull me back down to Earth when I am starting to float off in to outer space – and who is willing to let me go when I need to run.
XX Love you
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